Sunday
Tuesday
readers' requests
My life since my last update has been, unfortunately, entirely unremarkable. I've been doing a lot of writing, but most of it has been in the form of cover letters and other material about as eventful as a monastery bedroom.
So here's your chance! I'm open to ideas for the subject of my next proper post. Is there somewhere or something you're interested in? Some deep-seeded curiosity nibbling at your soul? Give me your suggestions, and I'll research and report. Ready...GO!
So here's your chance! I'm open to ideas for the subject of my next proper post. Is there somewhere or something you're interested in? Some deep-seeded curiosity nibbling at your soul? Give me your suggestions, and I'll research and report. Ready...GO!
Monday
Sunday
in search of carisma
Thanks to Earth's tilted rotational axis and some brilliant planning on my part, I have a 32-day gap between the end of my classes and my flight home to enjoy New Zealand's summer scene. My dorm will close, so I have no choice but to take a road trip around the country. Tough luck, I know. I'll be joined by Thorvald, my Danish classmate from CBS, as we experience glow-worm caves, bungee jumping, zorbing, the sheer excitement of sheep-shearing, and some of the world's most dramatic scenery. We agreed that the best way to travel with flexibility and convenience is to buy an inexpensive car and sell it as we leave. I'm of the opinion that this is a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, and I want it to be accompanied by a once-in-a-lifetime car. I've done some preliminary shopping, but I wanted to do my due diligence and make sure I make the right decision. Here are a few candidates:
1. 1991 Toyota Sera ~$750
Cons: Body damage on rear-right quarterpanel. Small 1.5L engine. Actually, small in general.
Pros:
It has effing gullwing doors. Short of a Lamborghini, this is the best way to cruise into our youth hostels' parking lots in epic style.
2. 1986 Daihatsu Mira ~$500
Pros: Past commercial usage indicates that we always mean business. Low 72,500 km mileage (...kilometrage?). Spacious rear cargo area for our luggage, friends, or a hot tub.
Cons:
That's the engine. And that isn't where it belongs.
3. Arrow AX8-KT100 ~$1000
Pros: Convertible. Combine with costume party to create Mario Kart reenactment. Mouth may be held open while driving to provide supplementary meals.
Cons: Fitting 2 people and 100 lbs of luggage on it. Clearing any barrier higher than 2 inches.
4. 1990 BMW 318i $(Best Offer)
Pros: Racing tuned. Spaceship-esque cockpit. Included back-up set of wheels and tires enables (over)aggressive driving. Could easily but illegally reduce transportation time by half.
Cons: You can outrun debt collectors and jilted lovers, but you can't outrun the law.
5. 1986 Toyota Hiace "Death Van" ~$900
Pros: Bullethole decals provide instant "street cred." Optimal vehicle in the event of spontaneous zombie attack. Thorvald loves heavy metal. As the seller described, "Can cart the coffins of deceased loved ones around." "The photo was taken in May of this year. It was at a park in Nelson at a wedding. The speakers on the ground because they are blasting out Black Sabbath tunes while we wait for the Bride. You can use it at your wedding!"
Cons: May be mistaken for rapists. Loose wires could result in shocking problem. Interior beat harder than Rihanna.
6. 1966 Abbott FV433 $(Best offer)
Pros: Front-mounted 105mm Howitzer with 18.3 mile range ensures that road rage will be vindicated. Recently passed inspection. Treads render inaccessible areas accessible. Amphibious kit included. No matter how far you go, you've always got a full tank.
Cons: Mildly intimidating and slightly conspicuous.
Decisions, decisions.
1. 1991 Toyota Sera ~$750
Cons: Body damage on rear-right quarterpanel. Small 1.5L engine. Actually, small in general.
Pros:
It has effing gullwing doors. Short of a Lamborghini, this is the best way to cruise into our youth hostels' parking lots in epic style.
2. 1986 Daihatsu Mira ~$500
Pros: Past commercial usage indicates that we always mean business. Low 72,500 km mileage (...kilometrage?). Spacious rear cargo area for our luggage, friends, or a hot tub.
Cons:
That's the engine. And that isn't where it belongs.
3. Arrow AX8-KT100 ~$1000
Pros: Convertible. Combine with costume party to create Mario Kart reenactment. Mouth may be held open while driving to provide supplementary meals.
Cons: Fitting 2 people and 100 lbs of luggage on it. Clearing any barrier higher than 2 inches.
4. 1990 BMW 318i $(Best Offer)
Pros: Racing tuned. Spaceship-esque cockpit. Included back-up set of wheels and tires enables (over)aggressive driving. Could easily but illegally reduce transportation time by half.
Cons: You can outrun debt collectors and jilted lovers, but you can't outrun the law.
5. 1986 Toyota Hiace "Death Van" ~$900
Pros: Bullethole decals provide instant "street cred." Optimal vehicle in the event of spontaneous zombie attack. Thorvald loves heavy metal. As the seller described, "Can cart the coffins of deceased loved ones around." "The photo was taken in May of this year. It was at a park in Nelson at a wedding. The speakers on the ground because they are blasting out Black Sabbath tunes while we wait for the Bride. You can use it at your wedding!"
Cons: May be mistaken for rapists. Loose wires could result in shocking problem. Interior beat harder than Rihanna.
6. 1966 Abbott FV433 $(Best offer)
Pros: Front-mounted 105mm Howitzer with 18.3 mile range ensures that road rage will be vindicated. Recently passed inspection. Treads render inaccessible areas accessible. Amphibious kit included. No matter how far you go, you've always got a full tank.
Cons: Mildly intimidating and slightly conspicuous.
Decisions, decisions.
go big or go home
When I get a degree, get a job, and get settled, I plan on enjoying luxuries my last four years of travel haven't afforded. Two main things are on this list: a subscription to National Geographic, and a dog. Both of those things are pretty normal, but I'm not a huge fan of that. Normal is boring. Anybody can do normal. There's not much I can do about NatGeo, that's a pretty standardized item. But the dog...well, there we have some leeway.
My classes start in 2 days, and I should be reading a document entitled "Cross-Hedging Your Security Portfolio with Futures Contracts." That's exactly why I'm dog shopping instead. I was originally thinking about a Newfoundland. A family I used to babysit for had one, and that thing was awesome. Well-mannered, loyal, relatively sedate, and the novelty of its enormous size came standard. I looked into the topic a little further though, and something else caught my eye. There's a dog with very similar characteristics, shorter hair (less shedding!), and even more massive size. It's called the English Mastiff, and I would love to cruise around the neighborhood with this thing in my back seat:
I'm no mind reader, but I'd wager that right now you're considering how impractical that dog is, on many different fronts. Practicality is boredom's less-attractive stepsister. If my job doesn't require ridiculous hours or excessive travel, I'm getting me one.
My classes start in 2 days, and I should be reading a document entitled "Cross-Hedging Your Security Portfolio with Futures Contracts." That's exactly why I'm dog shopping instead. I was originally thinking about a Newfoundland. A family I used to babysit for had one, and that thing was awesome. Well-mannered, loyal, relatively sedate, and the novelty of its enormous size came standard. I looked into the topic a little further though, and something else caught my eye. There's a dog with very similar characteristics, shorter hair (less shedding!), and even more massive size. It's called the English Mastiff, and I would love to cruise around the neighborhood with this thing in my back seat:
I'm no mind reader, but I'd wager that right now you're considering how impractical that dog is, on many different fronts. Practicality is boredom's less-attractive stepsister. If my job doesn't require ridiculous hours or excessive travel, I'm getting me one.
jabbing the jobless
In the fall of 2007, I was presented with an opportunity that would truly change my life. The globe program, which allowed me to visit 18 countries and 3 continents over an 8 month span, forever changed my perception of the world and yielded some friendships I'm sure will be lifelong. But opportunity sometimes comes with a price, and globe certainly did. The traditional path of an undergraduate business major involves a summer internship between the 3rd and 4th years, potentially (typically) leading to a full-time offer. Financial institutions fill between 70 and 90 percent of their entry-level positions with interns. Globe students would be studying abroad in Hong Kong during that summer. The two were mutually exclusive. Some kids accepted into the program chose the internship and dropped out. One now works at Goldman Sachs, another at Morgan Stanley, two of the most competitive, prestigious Wall Street firms.
At that time, my international experience was limited to a two-week trip to Italy in 7th grade. I knew I had the rest of my life to work, I wanted to see the world, and Globe wouldn't look half bad on a resume. I could still get a job, right? Wrong. Those same firms offering internships indirectly caused the financial crisis that, quite literally, left the world's economy retarded. Then, in response to their own blunder, they stopped hiring. They honored the full-time offers extended to the previous years' summer interns (as they should have) and locked the doors. I watched classmates and friends with inferior academic credentials head off to the jobs I wanted. That's not to diminish them, I just feel I could have been among them had I taken that route. And I don't pretend to be alone in this, the other 14 members of my program faced an equally grim job market. Most were able to find employment of some kind, but few found the same opportunities afforded to similarly qualified students the previous year. My last bastion of hope, Wachovia, was bought by Wells Fargo 2 days before my final round interview. "Don't call us, we'll call you," they said.
Even then, all hope was not lost. I got an incredible opportunity: get paid to live in a place that I absolutely love, get a Master's degree, and change pastures while the grass regrows. Sold.
Everybody knows "that guy" at a party that picks up a chip, dips it, bites it, then dips the slobber-ridden edge back in the salsa. The double-dip is a tremendously unpopular faux pas. Unfortunately, by most analyst accounts, the economy is about to do just that. One model, which has actually been relatively accurate in the past, predicts a stock crash during September and negative economic growth in the second half of 2010. Funny, those are the exact circumstances I faced two years ago.
I'm a believer that one's first job plays a considerable role in the overall trajectory of a career. I want to start off strong, but it seems as though the invisible hand of the markets serves only to bitch-slap the crap out of me. I honestly don't know what to do. My options are far more limited this time around. Continuing education gets dicey...I could go for a PhD and defer private sector entry even longer, but firms don't typically hire doctors with no work experience. And I've been more or less transient since I left for globe. With the exception of my senior year at UNC, I haven't spent more than 6 months in the same country. I'm craving a sense of permanence and some disposable income. I feel so incredibly capable of performing, and performing well, for anybody. But like the geeks at the middle school dance, it's hard to get the pretty girls to reciprocate...especially when the football team walks through the door every time you make your move.
I wouldn't trade my globe experience for a corner office at Goldman Sachs. Still, I can't help but survey my current situation and wonder what the heck to do now.
At that time, my international experience was limited to a two-week trip to Italy in 7th grade. I knew I had the rest of my life to work, I wanted to see the world, and Globe wouldn't look half bad on a resume. I could still get a job, right? Wrong. Those same firms offering internships indirectly caused the financial crisis that, quite literally, left the world's economy retarded. Then, in response to their own blunder, they stopped hiring. They honored the full-time offers extended to the previous years' summer interns (as they should have) and locked the doors. I watched classmates and friends with inferior academic credentials head off to the jobs I wanted. That's not to diminish them, I just feel I could have been among them had I taken that route. And I don't pretend to be alone in this, the other 14 members of my program faced an equally grim job market. Most were able to find employment of some kind, but few found the same opportunities afforded to similarly qualified students the previous year. My last bastion of hope, Wachovia, was bought by Wells Fargo 2 days before my final round interview. "Don't call us, we'll call you," they said.
Even then, all hope was not lost. I got an incredible opportunity: get paid to live in a place that I absolutely love, get a Master's degree, and change pastures while the grass regrows. Sold.
Everybody knows "that guy" at a party that picks up a chip, dips it, bites it, then dips the slobber-ridden edge back in the salsa. The double-dip is a tremendously unpopular faux pas. Unfortunately, by most analyst accounts, the economy is about to do just that. One model, which has actually been relatively accurate in the past, predicts a stock crash during September and negative economic growth in the second half of 2010. Funny, those are the exact circumstances I faced two years ago.
I'm a believer that one's first job plays a considerable role in the overall trajectory of a career. I want to start off strong, but it seems as though the invisible hand of the markets serves only to bitch-slap the crap out of me. I honestly don't know what to do. My options are far more limited this time around. Continuing education gets dicey...I could go for a PhD and defer private sector entry even longer, but firms don't typically hire doctors with no work experience. And I've been more or less transient since I left for globe. With the exception of my senior year at UNC, I haven't spent more than 6 months in the same country. I'm craving a sense of permanence and some disposable income. I feel so incredibly capable of performing, and performing well, for anybody. But like the geeks at the middle school dance, it's hard to get the pretty girls to reciprocate...especially when the football team walks through the door every time you make your move.
I wouldn't trade my globe experience for a corner office at Goldman Sachs. Still, I can't help but survey my current situation and wonder what the heck to do now.
Wednesday
between kiwis and kangaroos- know your natives
Heritage
The two countries do stand differentiated regarding native heritage. Future Australians crossed a series of land bridges in a single, large migration to arrive from Southeast Asia somewhere between 40,000 and 120,000 years ago. These people must have annoyed the crap out of each other en route because geographic dispersion on arrival resulted in hundreds of individual colonies and 250-300 different languages. Colonies developed unique cultures, but all retained facets present prior to divergence, most notably the metaphysical concept of "Dreamtime." Dreamtime refers to a parallel, cyclical plane of existence that transcends perceived reality. Occurrences in this sea of souls shape and govern a tribe's social values. Of course, some are more capable of tapping into this spiritual realm than others. Religion often serves to stratify the masses, and Aboriginal dogma is no exception.The association of music with The Dreaming led to the development of "song lines," melodies synonymous with certain emotions or feelings. Historians hotly debate which came next: accompanying instrumentation, or the first season of Aboriginal Idol. Many tribes began using clapping sticks (banging two sticks together) to accompany their song lines. The first didgeridoo was fashioned shortly thereafter, probably in an attempt to drown out the incessant percussion of clapping sticks. The two were found to sound quite nice together and became staples of ceremonial rites.
New Zealand was void of mankind until Polynesian settlers arrived around 1280. A small group of people boarded an even smaller group of oceangoing canoes and paddled over a thousand miles to an empty island. And nobody knows why. I've plumbed the pipes of the internets and used the google, and all I've unearthed are rather pedestrian hypotheses about food shortages and tribal disputes. I have my own theory that these people were discontent with their customs and, quite frankly, considered everybody else a bunch of weirdos. That would explain why they left and dubbed themselves Maori, meaning normal, upon colonization. Researchers insist that the name implies acknowledgment and humble disassociation from the divine, but I like my explanation better.
One of the most interesting and atypical things about the Maori is their cultural influence in New Zealand. Since America has either eradicated or marginalized its natives, this influence, to me, is incredibly pronounced. In 1840, New Zealand was composed of 100,000 Maori and 2,000 Europeans. In 1896, those numbers had changed just slightly: 42,113 Maori to over 700,000 Europeans. Sociologists assumed a distinct culture was untenable due to integration with the West, but the Maori countered by assimilating some Western elements while differentiating and exposing their own. The result has been several prominent Maori politicians and the addition of Maori to New Zealand's list of official languages (joining English and sign language) in 1987. Government offices, schools, and most business list names in both languages. Apparently there were petitions to add sign language as well, but no one showed up at the hearings. Several star players on the national rugby team are Maori, and the team performs an iconic war dance, the Haka, before every match. You can see from the Youtube video that "Haka," roughly translated, means "Woman, where's my dinner?" As a minority subgroup, they're still socioeconomically depressed, but I can't help but feel like mainstream cultural prominence is a strong road to equality.
Friday
between kiwis and kangaroos...part 1
I'd long considered New Zealand to be the Tonto to Australia's Lone Ranger: always nearby and in some ways more exotic, but largely irrelevant and likely conceived to keep the solitary star company. Apparently I'm not the only foreigner harboring this perspective. School orientation for international students included an entire subsection designed to illustrate the many (subtle, very subtle) differences between these two entirely independent, completely non-overlapping, individual, autonomous landmasses. In an effort to dispel some vicious cultural stereotypes, I've decided to create a field guide that expands upon this concept. The guide begins with a video providing a brief overview of the topic at hand, before narrowing down and focusing on specific areas of frequent cultural confusion.
The average distance between New Zealand and Australia is roughly 1400 miles (slightly greater than the distance between New York, NY and Miami, FL), clearly large enough to warrant disassociation. The two countries were even discovered by completely different people. Willem Janszoon first stumbled upon Australia in 1606 and, mistaking it for a continuation of New Guinea, returned to the Netherlands and called his discovery (of Australia, mind you) Nieu Zeeland after the Dutch province of Zeeland. The name didn't stick, but his voyage was enough to inspire countryman Abel Tasman's return to Australia in 1642. Tasman mapped much of Australia's coast and discovered modern day Tasmania in addition to a separate pair of islands he inventively named Nieu Zeeland. This time, it stuck. Colonization too happened for completely different reasons. The first Australian colony was founded by Britain in the 1780s as a dumping ground for political prisoners and repeat offenders. The first New Zealand colony was founded by Britain in the 1830s to address reports of lawlessness and overzealous adventuring, probably by the same idiots initially banished to Australia.
When dealing with an animal indigenous to Australia, bear this important tenet in mind: it can probably kill you. Even if you're Steve Irwin.
Kangaroos
I debated whether or not to even mention the kangaroo due to its widespread notoriety, typically in situations where a token reference to Australia is due. Still, there are some interesting elements of these marsupials worth repeating.
Size: The Red Kangaroo, largest of the four primary species, stands roughly 6' 7" tall (2m) and weighs up to 200 lbs (90 kg).
Habitat: Various species reside throughout the entire Australian continent, but there are no wild kangaroos in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have kangaroos; they don't.
Predators: Most prehistoric predators of the kangaroo became extinct, allowing the species to briefly flourish before the arrival of man and man's best friend, the Dingo.
Locomotion: Kangaroos are the largest animals to utilize hopping, but evolutionary adaptations have made it an incredibly efficient form of propulsion. Spring-like tendons, as opposed to muscles, in the hind feet launch the animal forward at top speeds of up to 45 mph (70 kph).
Mating: Female kangaroos, like most women prior to industrialization, remain pregnant throughout their entire fertile lifespan, taking a break only on the day they give birth. Since the gestation period is shorter than the developmental period (where the "joey" is in the pouch), females can support 2 joeys at once by producing separate milk for each and even regulate the gestational period by a biological mechanism called embryonic diapause.
How It Can Kill You: Kangaroos have a right hook that would make Mohammad Ali blush and a roundhouse kick with the added effect of disembowelment (via claw-like toenails). Chuck Norris can't even do that. If all else fails, they're strong swimmers capable of dragging pursuing prey into deep waters and, using its arms, drowning it.
Fun Fact: the aboriginal Kurnai fashioned stuffed kangaroo scrotum into balls used for their tribal game, marngrook.
Koalas
Another marsupial, the Koala is actually not a bear at all. Its appearance and severely stunted brain make it the animal equivalent of that cute girl that's just too much of an airhead to date. The giant koala (now extinct) predated its contemporary by about 50,000 years and apparently had much more going on upstairs. Scientists link modern koalas' cognitive retrogression to a change in diet from now-extinct rainforest flora to nutrient-poor eucalyptus leaves.
Size: Koalas range by species and gender between 11 and 31 lbs (5-14 kg). The brain comprises just .2% of total body weight. Homo sapiens have roughly 10 times that ratio, and I've still encountered some really, really unintelligent people. The koala's cranial cavity is almost entirely fluid, with 2 nut-sized brain hemispheres (that aren't even wired to interact with each other) perched atop the stem. Such a relatively minute control center makes the koala, along with the ostrich, one of the planet's "simplest" land animals.
Habitat: Southeastern Australia, in moisture-rich woodlands. There are no wild koalas in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have koalas; they don't.
Predators: Adult koalas have few natural predators. Man has proven to be their biggest threat, and koalas were nearly hunted to extinction in the 1900s for their fur. Koalas also face microbial predators in the form of chlamydia (yes, chlamydia) and other diseases.
Locomotion: Though usually arboreal and mindlessly munching eucalyptus, they're rather slow quadrupeds when moseying from tree to tree.
Mating: Koalas are actually twice as likely to get chlamydia than humans. This is because, unlike most women prior to industrialization, there are two plugs and two outlets involved. Forked man-bits lead to twin uteri in the female, doubling the likelihood of conception and contraction.
How It Can Kill You: Koalas have large, razor-sharp claws and opposable thumbs for gripping tree branches. They can actually cause significant deforestation by scraping off all the bark as they climb. They're passive and entirely benign, but trouble is, with an IQ of 4, human limbs looks just as good as a branch.
Fun Fact: Should you ever find yourself accused of a crime based on fingerprint evidence, it may behoove you to insist that the culprit was a koala. Their fingerprints are so close to humans' that the two are often indiscernible.
New Zealand's animals, in contrast to their Aussie neighbors, are entirely benign. Most appear, instead, to be purposeless accidents conceived and tested in God's workshop for amusement purposes only. This probably explains why they're confined to the world's most isolated locale.
Kiwis
If Australians are Aussies, New Zealanders are Kiwis. While it may be a country of full of fruits, the actual Kiwi namesake is derived from a flightless bird endemic to the country. Prior to the introduction of invasive species, New Zealand's only mammals were 3 types of bat. Other organisms grew to occupy the void in this ecological niche. Enter the kiwi, an even more awkward relative of the emu with feathers more useful for fur than flight. I have no clue why a nation would choose to identify with this languid blob of fureathers. America's bald eagle is a stately predator with so much confidence it skips the toupee. It's the regal eagle. In New Zealand's bird, we have something so evolutionarily inept, it can't even figure out what it wants to be covered with.
Size: The largest of the 5 species grows to about 18 inches (45 cm) in height and weighs between 5 and 7 lbs (2.3-3.2 kg).
Habitat: Kiwis are primarily nocturnal and reside in the coniferous and beech forests that litter both the north and south island. They once inhabited the entire country, but deforestation has driven them into endangerment.
Predators: Kiwis' rather bizarre developments can be attributed to the lack of natural predators prior to the advent of man. In 1989, a single loose dog killed nearly half of the 1000 birds inhabiting a nearby forest.
Locomotion: They run, often covering the extent of their territory (several football fields in size) in a single night. They also dig, since that makes perfect sense, constructing burrows and even labyrinthine underground tunnel networks beneath the forest floor.
Mating: Like penguins, kiwis mate monogamously for life, often 20-30 years. The female is physically and behaviorally dominant, often with a little domestic violence thrown in. Between June and March, the couple shares the same burrow every third night, but sing distinctive duets while foraging nightly. The egg, relative to body size, is the largest of any animal. A 5 lb female may lay a 1 lb egg. Ostrich eggs, by comparison, are roughly 2% of body weight. To provide sufficient nutrients, the female must consume three times as much food as normal, but the size of the egg makes this difficult as the stomach eventually becomes crushed, forcing fasting.
How It Can Kill You: It can't. But they are fiercely territorial, and peck-and-run attacks have been reported by unsuspecting (and undoubtedly bewildered) humans.
Fun Fact: Unlike most birds, kiwis have a keen sense of smell. Their nostrils, of course, are located at the tip of their unusually long beak. Embedding was disabled, but click here to see a pretty cool youtube video on kiwi preservation.
Geography and Colonization
The average distance between New Zealand and Australia is roughly 1400 miles (slightly greater than the distance between New York, NY and Miami, FL), clearly large enough to warrant disassociation. The two countries were even discovered by completely different people. Willem Janszoon first stumbled upon Australia in 1606 and, mistaking it for a continuation of New Guinea, returned to the Netherlands and called his discovery (of Australia, mind you) Nieu Zeeland after the Dutch province of Zeeland. The name didn't stick, but his voyage was enough to inspire countryman Abel Tasman's return to Australia in 1642. Tasman mapped much of Australia's coast and discovered modern day Tasmania in addition to a separate pair of islands he inventively named Nieu Zeeland. This time, it stuck. Colonization too happened for completely different reasons. The first Australian colony was founded by Britain in the 1780s as a dumping ground for political prisoners and repeat offenders. The first New Zealand colony was founded by Britain in the 1830s to address reports of lawlessness and overzealous adventuring, probably by the same idiots initially banished to Australia.
Fauna
Australia
Australia
When dealing with an animal indigenous to Australia, bear this important tenet in mind: it can probably kill you. Even if you're Steve Irwin.
Kangaroos
I debated whether or not to even mention the kangaroo due to its widespread notoriety, typically in situations where a token reference to Australia is due. Still, there are some interesting elements of these marsupials worth repeating.
Size: The Red Kangaroo, largest of the four primary species, stands roughly 6' 7" tall (2m) and weighs up to 200 lbs (90 kg).
Habitat: Various species reside throughout the entire Australian continent, but there are no wild kangaroos in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have kangaroos; they don't.
Predators: Most prehistoric predators of the kangaroo became extinct, allowing the species to briefly flourish before the arrival of man and man's best friend, the Dingo.
Locomotion: Kangaroos are the largest animals to utilize hopping, but evolutionary adaptations have made it an incredibly efficient form of propulsion. Spring-like tendons, as opposed to muscles, in the hind feet launch the animal forward at top speeds of up to 45 mph (70 kph).
Mating: Female kangaroos, like most women prior to industrialization, remain pregnant throughout their entire fertile lifespan, taking a break only on the day they give birth. Since the gestation period is shorter than the developmental period (where the "joey" is in the pouch), females can support 2 joeys at once by producing separate milk for each and even regulate the gestational period by a biological mechanism called embryonic diapause.
How It Can Kill You: Kangaroos have a right hook that would make Mohammad Ali blush and a roundhouse kick with the added effect of disembowelment (via claw-like toenails). Chuck Norris can't even do that. If all else fails, they're strong swimmers capable of dragging pursuing prey into deep waters and, using its arms, drowning it.
Fun Fact: the aboriginal Kurnai fashioned stuffed kangaroo scrotum into balls used for their tribal game, marngrook.
Koalas
Another marsupial, the Koala is actually not a bear at all. Its appearance and severely stunted brain make it the animal equivalent of that cute girl that's just too much of an airhead to date. The giant koala (now extinct) predated its contemporary by about 50,000 years and apparently had much more going on upstairs. Scientists link modern koalas' cognitive retrogression to a change in diet from now-extinct rainforest flora to nutrient-poor eucalyptus leaves.
Size: Koalas range by species and gender between 11 and 31 lbs (5-14 kg). The brain comprises just .2% of total body weight. Homo sapiens have roughly 10 times that ratio, and I've still encountered some really, really unintelligent people. The koala's cranial cavity is almost entirely fluid, with 2 nut-sized brain hemispheres (that aren't even wired to interact with each other) perched atop the stem. Such a relatively minute control center makes the koala, along with the ostrich, one of the planet's "simplest" land animals.
Habitat: Southeastern Australia, in moisture-rich woodlands. There are no wild koalas in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have koalas; they don't.
Predators: Adult koalas have few natural predators. Man has proven to be their biggest threat, and koalas were nearly hunted to extinction in the 1900s for their fur. Koalas also face microbial predators in the form of chlamydia (yes, chlamydia) and other diseases.
Locomotion: Though usually arboreal and mindlessly munching eucalyptus, they're rather slow quadrupeds when moseying from tree to tree.
Mating: Koalas are actually twice as likely to get chlamydia than humans. This is because, unlike most women prior to industrialization, there are two plugs and two outlets involved. Forked man-bits lead to twin uteri in the female, doubling the likelihood of conception and contraction.
How It Can Kill You: Koalas have large, razor-sharp claws and opposable thumbs for gripping tree branches. They can actually cause significant deforestation by scraping off all the bark as they climb. They're passive and entirely benign, but trouble is, with an IQ of 4, human limbs looks just as good as a branch.
Fun Fact: Should you ever find yourself accused of a crime based on fingerprint evidence, it may behoove you to insist that the culprit was a koala. Their fingerprints are so close to humans' that the two are often indiscernible.
New Zealand
New Zealand's animals, in contrast to their Aussie neighbors, are entirely benign. Most appear, instead, to be purposeless accidents conceived and tested in God's workshop for amusement purposes only. This probably explains why they're confined to the world's most isolated locale.
Kiwis
If Australians are Aussies, New Zealanders are Kiwis. While it may be a country of full of fruits, the actual Kiwi namesake is derived from a flightless bird endemic to the country. Prior to the introduction of invasive species, New Zealand's only mammals were 3 types of bat. Other organisms grew to occupy the void in this ecological niche. Enter the kiwi, an even more awkward relative of the emu with feathers more useful for fur than flight. I have no clue why a nation would choose to identify with this languid blob of fureathers. America's bald eagle is a stately predator with so much confidence it skips the toupee. It's the regal eagle. In New Zealand's bird, we have something so evolutionarily inept, it can't even figure out what it wants to be covered with.
Size: The largest of the 5 species grows to about 18 inches (45 cm) in height and weighs between 5 and 7 lbs (2.3-3.2 kg).
Habitat: Kiwis are primarily nocturnal and reside in the coniferous and beech forests that litter both the north and south island. They once inhabited the entire country, but deforestation has driven them into endangerment.
Predators: Kiwis' rather bizarre developments can be attributed to the lack of natural predators prior to the advent of man. In 1989, a single loose dog killed nearly half of the 1000 birds inhabiting a nearby forest.
Locomotion: They run, often covering the extent of their territory (several football fields in size) in a single night. They also dig, since that makes perfect sense, constructing burrows and even labyrinthine underground tunnel networks beneath the forest floor.
Mating: Like penguins, kiwis mate monogamously for life, often 20-30 years. The female is physically and behaviorally dominant, often with a little domestic violence thrown in. Between June and March, the couple shares the same burrow every third night, but sing distinctive duets while foraging nightly. The egg, relative to body size, is the largest of any animal. A 5 lb female may lay a 1 lb egg. Ostrich eggs, by comparison, are roughly 2% of body weight. To provide sufficient nutrients, the female must consume three times as much food as normal, but the size of the egg makes this difficult as the stomach eventually becomes crushed, forcing fasting.
How It Can Kill You: It can't. But they are fiercely territorial, and peck-and-run attacks have been reported by unsuspecting (and undoubtedly bewildered) humans.
Fun Fact: Unlike most birds, kiwis have a keen sense of smell. Their nostrils, of course, are located at the tip of their unusually long beak. Embedding was disabled, but click here to see a pretty cool youtube video on kiwi preservation.
Coming up in part 2: heritage, culture, and industry
Monday
no news is good news
Two things...first, I promise to have a proper entry up in the next couple of days. Keep an eye out for that. Second, I felt compelled to comment on what I just saw on cnn.com. Here's a screenshot:
I was on the international site, to be fair, but I think I can still summarize these 14 articles succinctly: Some people died all over the world, more are in position to die, others narrowly avoided death, and a South African with a spell-check defying last name won the British Open.
By all accounts, keeping up with current events is a great way to stay informed and develop global perspective. But who honestly wants to read this? Some kids surviving a flood is a feel-good story, and seeing Tiger Woods fail does illicit a small nod to karmatic justice, but the overwhelming morbidity is just sickening. There are 7 billion lives and an infinite number of inhuman happenings to pull stories from at any given time. Is this the best that one of the world's largest news agencies can do?
As an addendum, I researched CNN a bit and discovered that they're in the midst of a ratings slump and actually losing their best, longest-standing anchors to competing agencies (see http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62I02R20100319). If they're looking for a way to turn it around, I think I may have a few suggestions.
I was on the international site, to be fair, but I think I can still summarize these 14 articles succinctly: Some people died all over the world, more are in position to die, others narrowly avoided death, and a South African with a spell-check defying last name won the British Open.
By all accounts, keeping up with current events is a great way to stay informed and develop global perspective. But who honestly wants to read this? Some kids surviving a flood is a feel-good story, and seeing Tiger Woods fail does illicit a small nod to karmatic justice, but the overwhelming morbidity is just sickening. There are 7 billion lives and an infinite number of inhuman happenings to pull stories from at any given time. Is this the best that one of the world's largest news agencies can do?
As an addendum, I researched CNN a bit and discovered that they're in the midst of a ratings slump and actually losing their best, longest-standing anchors to competing agencies (see http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62I02R20100319). If they're looking for a way to turn it around, I think I may have a few suggestions.
Tuesday
Saturday
at the intersection of memory ln and nostalgia blvd
I turned 23 years old last week. It's unfathomable (and a little frightening) that time goes by so quickly and peculiar that its passage seems only to be accelerating. Life events (like birthdays) typically warrant a bit of introspection, and I can't help but feel that each happening over my 8,039 days of existence served as a hammer strike to the chisel that sculpts me. Because of this, I thought it might be nice to revive, remember, and reflect upon some of the more formative fads and items that helped define my current self. For those privy to or products of American culture, what follows will likely be a leisurely stroll down memory lane. Others can simply wonder at the strange, strange crap my countryman have produced or enjoyed.
Food and Drink
Crystal Pepsi
(1992-1993)
Riding its quirky slogan, "You've never seen taste like this," crystal Pepsi followed a larger trend equating clarity and quality. It tasted nearly identical to original Pepsi, and my 5-year old self was baffled that something clear could taste like something that clearly wasn't. People were intrigued by the nuance, but interest quickly faded and the product was pulled. It was actually conceived and marketed by Yum! Brands Inc, the same company responsible for one of my favorite things in life, Taco Bell.
Pop Qwiz
(early 1990s)
Popcorn, as a food, is somewhat intriguing. It changes states of matter from dense kernels to fluffy, buttery goodness when subjected to the proper amount of heat. But what if it were different colors? Even better, what if you could never predict precisely what color your bag would produce? Pop Secret explicitly marketed this to children, and it blew my young mind. Just watch the commercial. You had me Pop Secret, you had me.
Dunk-a-roos
(1988-present)
What a marvelous concept. You take a kangaroo-shaped cookie (available in a multitude of flavors) and dunk it in an accompanying frosting partition (also available in a multitude of flavors). The cinnamon flavored cookies with the chocolate or vanilla frosting were undoubtedly the best and, thanks to the popularity of their Australian-accented Kangaroo mascot, you simply weren't the coolest kid in elementary school unless your lunch included a pack.
Orbitz
(1997)
This non-carbonated fruity beverage was aptly named after the edible orb bits that floated magically inside its oddly-shaped bottle. It was a cousin to another of my childhood favorites, Clearly Canadian, and was quickly discontinued due to soft sales. The unopened bottles have become a cult collector's item, and I think my family still has a few stashed somewhere in the attic.
Games and Toys
Magic: The Gathering
(1993-present)
Created by mathematician Richard Garfield, MTG was (and probably still is) a card game played in lunchrooms and mothers' basements around the world. It pits two players, posing as powerful wizards called "planeswalkers" against each other using mystical spells and creatures. All of these are depicted, of course, on collectible cards purchasable at your local hobby store. Common, uncommon, and rare cards were allocated 11/3/1 in each 15 card pack, ensuring that the more you bought, the more formidable your competitive arsenal. Ironically, the more dedicated you were to this game, the less likely it was that you had any friends to play with.
Pokemon
(ca. 1996)
Pokemon was such a defining element in many peoples' upbringing that they can remember where they were when they first met Professor Oak and embarked on a that infamous journey through the land of Kanto. It was a Japanese concept that made it to the states in the form of 2 partner games, Pokemon Red and Blue, for the original black-and-white Gameboy. In the years following its release, I honestly believe I spent more time playing this game than not playing it. The slogan was "Gotta Catch 'em All!" and I did. Oh, I did.
Pogs
(mid-1990s)
Pogs were originally milk bottle caps. The game originated in Hawaii in the 1920s and 1930s, with caps from a juice brand called POG being the most widely used. The Canada Games Company reintroduced Pogs and the concept exploded, eventually being banned in schools across North America due to rampant popularity. In its merchandised form, Pogs were circular bits of cardboard with images (of anything, really) imprinted on one side. Players threw heavier metal "slammers" down onto tall stacks of pogs to disrupt them, and the player causing the most carnage claimed victory. Yes, I had thousands of these.
Skip-It
(Late 1980s-early 1990s)
Skip-It achieved widespread notoriety due to its extensive marketing on Nickelodeon (more on that later, trust me). The commercial serves as ample product description, and I made certain that my counter was stuck at 999.
Nintendo 64
(September 1996)
Though slightly predated by Sony's Playstation, Nintendo 64 effectively redesigned the video game market. Its 64-bit graphics processor allowed for 3D rendering, and the days of 2D side-scrolling and aerial view were left in the dust. Though Mario 64 (included with console purchase) was amazing, the N64 spawed several other absolute gems. Goldeneye, for example, absolutely annihilated every competitor in its genre and absorbed hundreds of hours of my life. Though slightly less universally popular, Banjo-Kazooie was also a favorite of my 12-year old self. As Banjo, a guffawing, dimwitted bear, you stormed the palace of evil witch Gruntilda and reclaimed your kidnapped sister. With a great storyline, tons of hidden Easter eggs, and the glorious tongue-in-cheek humor of developer Rare, it was one of the many reasons N64 is arguably the most successful console ever made.
Books
Roald Dahl
(1993-present)
My teacher for 1st-3rd grade was a British import by the name of Ms. Wood, and she had a profound effect on my upbringing. It was she who suggested I read Mr. Dahl's material and I was absolutely fascinated. There was the imaginative genius of the stories, sure, but also a heavy infusion of British culture that amplified the distance and magic of the worlds he described. I mean, Charlie Bucket found the golden ticket in a candy bar he bought with shillings and farthings. What in the world are those? Even if you've never heard of Dahl, you've probably heard of his work. He's responsible for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and Fantastic Mr. Fox, all of which have been made into movies (Willy Wonka twice actually). In 4th grade I had to write my first "paper." It was a 2-page biography on someone we found interesting, and I chose him. It may very well be Roald Dahl (and Ms. Wood) I have to thank for my interest in multiculturalism. By the way, this Youtube video contains an excellent overview of Dahl's work and includes many interesting facts I didn't know. If you watch one of these clips, watch this one.
Goosebumps
(1992-1997)
This series of novellas made author R.L. Stine a very, very wealthy man. The books infiltrated and dominated the relatively unexploited children's horror genre. The original run of 68 titles included "Monster Blood," "Say Cheese and Die!," "Attack of the Mutant," and the petrifying "It Came from Under the Sink." The series spawned innumerable spin-offs and spoofs including comic books, a moderately successful TV series, 2 video games, and a movie in the works. In its heyday, I was an unrepentant Goosebumps fanboy. For 3rd grade class pictures, we were encouraged to bring in and sport an item indicative of a hobby or passion, and I proudly brought a Goosebumps book to complement my matching Goosebumps hat and t-shirt. Eventually, my reading level surpassed surpassed Stine's style and my interest tapered off.
Music
Del Amitri
(1995)
I've heard one song by this band, "Roll to Me," and it's enough to warrant inclusion in my nostalgic vault. Why? The single was the first cassette I ever purchased. It's just over 2 minutes long and largely unremarkable, but it's the first recollection I have of actually liking a particular song.
Hootie and the Blowfish
(1994)
Hootie rode strong pop hooks and the resultant success of their debut album, "Cracked Rear View," to superstardom. The album has gone 16x platinum and was the top-seller overall in 1995. I absolutely loved Hootie and, luckily, my parents did too. This was before the internet age, and I recall waking at an ungodly hour and waiting in line at the local music store to get concert tickets the day they were released. I was 8 years old, and it was my first show. I remember holding my mother's hand as Darius Rucker sang the eponymous song and thinking that at that particular moment, life was perfect.
Spice Girls
(1996)
Don't you dare judge me. If you grew up in a developed country in the 1990s, the Spice Girls' Brit-glitz, girl power attitude, and made-for-radio jingle-pop infested your life too. From car stereos to MTV to Walkman cassette players around the world, the Spice Girls were going to tell you what they want, what they really really want, whether you wanted to hear it or not. I even saw Spice World too. Once. I still don't know what happened to the bomb on the Spice Bus...
Boy Bands
(All up in the 1990s)
Confession: I attempted to learn the choreography for the ballroom dancing scene in the Backstreet Boys' Everybody video. It was just that cool. First came New Kids on the Block. Then UK-natives Take That arrived on the scene. But it will always be the Backstreet Boys that, to me, opened the floodgates and drowned the world in boy band. N*Sync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, N2ge+her, Dream Street, etc. achieved varying degrees of notoriety before reverting to obscurity as the mania subsided. Probably the best thing about these groups was the utter predictability of the lineup. Every member had to fulfill a stereotypical niche. There was the cute one. The shy one (extra points if he was openly religious). The bad boy. The heartthrob . And, of course, the one people always forgot was actually in the band. The music was eventually satirized and hated upon (anything horribly overexposed ultimately is...see: Macarena) but boy band music remains my karaoke genre of choice, and I'd much rather listen to their brand of bubblegum pop than the vocalized T-Pain inspired fodder tainting the airwaves today.
The Macarena
(1995-1996)
Not much need be said about the Macarena. As the popularity of the song and dance grew to biblical proportion, there was a brief time when Los del Rio were more revered for their product than the Virgin Mary. Oddly, the song's relation to religion extends past that poorly conceived metaphor. Macarena, the name of the song's subject, was adapted from Magdalena, a term that described women of questionable repute. The song's original Spanish lyrics outline the promiscuity of its title character. I knew all the words, but I remember my 4th grade Spanish teacher blushing and changing the subject when I asked for a translation.
Film/Television
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
(1994)
I wanted to be Jim Carrey. I've seen this movie probably 30 times. I adopted his mannerisms and outlandish extroversion. I had a brief stint in film/television acting in my early teens, and Jim Carrey was probably the primary motivating force behind my ambition. As a 7 year old, I couldn't necessarily follow the film's plot line, but Carrey's performance served as entertainment enough. My tastes have matured and evolved, but he still features prominently in my absolute favorite move of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, albeit in a much different manner.
Nickelodeon
(1990-2000ish)
Here it is, the grand finale, the coup the grace, the most essential, formative, definitive element of my upbringing. I pity those who never experienced it in its prime. Nickelodeon's green slime-coated tentacles cradled and nourished the hearts and minds of American youth. It was generation Nick. The shows were incredible: daytime dramas "Hey Dude!" and "Salute your Shorts," gameshows like "Double Dare" and "Legends of the Hidden Temple," the infamous Nicktoons including "Ren and Stimpy," "Doug," and "Rocko's Modern Life," and its incredibly popular Snick lineup on Saturday nights. At the height of its popularity, the channel was merely the cerebral cortex driving a much larger cultural phenomenon. Themes quickly outgrew television sets, with the network's patented green slime, whipped cream pies and gaudy set design finding other merchandising outlets. I owned a Nick telephone and alarm clock, I subscribed (briefly) to the magazine, and, in perhaps the biggest testament to the brand's influence, one of my birthday cakes was even coated in slime frosting.
So there it is, an overview of the products, fads and memes that I still hold near and dear. Unfortunately, as I've come to learn, time always wins. Take Nickelodeon Studios, for example. What was once every child's Mecca is now a concrete rehearsal and production studio for the consistently-mediocre Blue Man Group. In fact, I'm skeptical that such universal cultural trends will continue forth in the future. The information age has largely diluted popular interest. Take a current worldwide sensation, Lady Gaga, for example. If you don't want to hear Gaga, you can discover and download indie music online. iPods have replaced car radios. The choice of accepting or spurning mainstream media has never before been so realizable by younger generations. It's an interesting sociological concept.
In summary, I hope you glean even a small fraction of the happiness from reading this that I did from writing it. Researching and revisiting these subjects was immensely gratifying. Though my current age reflects an independent period of life, I think it's important to maintain the things that made childhood unforgettable because, sometime in the future, they may once again become relevant.
Food and Drink
Crystal Pepsi
(1992-1993)
Riding its quirky slogan, "You've never seen taste like this," crystal Pepsi followed a larger trend equating clarity and quality. It tasted nearly identical to original Pepsi, and my 5-year old self was baffled that something clear could taste like something that clearly wasn't. People were intrigued by the nuance, but interest quickly faded and the product was pulled. It was actually conceived and marketed by Yum! Brands Inc, the same company responsible for one of my favorite things in life, Taco Bell.
Pop Qwiz
(early 1990s)
Popcorn, as a food, is somewhat intriguing. It changes states of matter from dense kernels to fluffy, buttery goodness when subjected to the proper amount of heat. But what if it were different colors? Even better, what if you could never predict precisely what color your bag would produce? Pop Secret explicitly marketed this to children, and it blew my young mind. Just watch the commercial. You had me Pop Secret, you had me.
Dunk-a-roos
(1988-present)
What a marvelous concept. You take a kangaroo-shaped cookie (available in a multitude of flavors) and dunk it in an accompanying frosting partition (also available in a multitude of flavors). The cinnamon flavored cookies with the chocolate or vanilla frosting were undoubtedly the best and, thanks to the popularity of their Australian-accented Kangaroo mascot, you simply weren't the coolest kid in elementary school unless your lunch included a pack.
Orbitz
(1997)
This non-carbonated fruity beverage was aptly named after the edible orb bits that floated magically inside its oddly-shaped bottle. It was a cousin to another of my childhood favorites, Clearly Canadian, and was quickly discontinued due to soft sales. The unopened bottles have become a cult collector's item, and I think my family still has a few stashed somewhere in the attic.
Games and Toys
Magic: The Gathering
(1993-present)
Created by mathematician Richard Garfield, MTG was (and probably still is) a card game played in lunchrooms and mothers' basements around the world. It pits two players, posing as powerful wizards called "planeswalkers" against each other using mystical spells and creatures. All of these are depicted, of course, on collectible cards purchasable at your local hobby store. Common, uncommon, and rare cards were allocated 11/3/1 in each 15 card pack, ensuring that the more you bought, the more formidable your competitive arsenal. Ironically, the more dedicated you were to this game, the less likely it was that you had any friends to play with.
Pokemon
(ca. 1996)
Pokemon was such a defining element in many peoples' upbringing that they can remember where they were when they first met Professor Oak and embarked on a that infamous journey through the land of Kanto. It was a Japanese concept that made it to the states in the form of 2 partner games, Pokemon Red and Blue, for the original black-and-white Gameboy. In the years following its release, I honestly believe I spent more time playing this game than not playing it. The slogan was "Gotta Catch 'em All!" and I did. Oh, I did.
Pogs
(mid-1990s)
Pogs were originally milk bottle caps. The game originated in Hawaii in the 1920s and 1930s, with caps from a juice brand called POG being the most widely used. The Canada Games Company reintroduced Pogs and the concept exploded, eventually being banned in schools across North America due to rampant popularity. In its merchandised form, Pogs were circular bits of cardboard with images (of anything, really) imprinted on one side. Players threw heavier metal "slammers" down onto tall stacks of pogs to disrupt them, and the player causing the most carnage claimed victory. Yes, I had thousands of these.
Skip-It
(Late 1980s-early 1990s)
Skip-It achieved widespread notoriety due to its extensive marketing on Nickelodeon (more on that later, trust me). The commercial serves as ample product description, and I made certain that my counter was stuck at 999.
Nintendo 64
(September 1996)
Though slightly predated by Sony's Playstation, Nintendo 64 effectively redesigned the video game market. Its 64-bit graphics processor allowed for 3D rendering, and the days of 2D side-scrolling and aerial view were left in the dust. Though Mario 64 (included with console purchase) was amazing, the N64 spawed several other absolute gems. Goldeneye, for example, absolutely annihilated every competitor in its genre and absorbed hundreds of hours of my life. Though slightly less universally popular, Banjo-Kazooie was also a favorite of my 12-year old self. As Banjo, a guffawing, dimwitted bear, you stormed the palace of evil witch Gruntilda and reclaimed your kidnapped sister. With a great storyline, tons of hidden Easter eggs, and the glorious tongue-in-cheek humor of developer Rare, it was one of the many reasons N64 is arguably the most successful console ever made.
Books
Roald Dahl
(1993-present)
My teacher for 1st-3rd grade was a British import by the name of Ms. Wood, and she had a profound effect on my upbringing. It was she who suggested I read Mr. Dahl's material and I was absolutely fascinated. There was the imaginative genius of the stories, sure, but also a heavy infusion of British culture that amplified the distance and magic of the worlds he described. I mean, Charlie Bucket found the golden ticket in a candy bar he bought with shillings and farthings. What in the world are those? Even if you've never heard of Dahl, you've probably heard of his work. He's responsible for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and Fantastic Mr. Fox, all of which have been made into movies (Willy Wonka twice actually). In 4th grade I had to write my first "paper." It was a 2-page biography on someone we found interesting, and I chose him. It may very well be Roald Dahl (and Ms. Wood) I have to thank for my interest in multiculturalism. By the way, this Youtube video contains an excellent overview of Dahl's work and includes many interesting facts I didn't know. If you watch one of these clips, watch this one.
Goosebumps
(1992-1997)
This series of novellas made author R.L. Stine a very, very wealthy man. The books infiltrated and dominated the relatively unexploited children's horror genre. The original run of 68 titles included "Monster Blood," "Say Cheese and Die!," "Attack of the Mutant," and the petrifying "It Came from Under the Sink." The series spawned innumerable spin-offs and spoofs including comic books, a moderately successful TV series, 2 video games, and a movie in the works. In its heyday, I was an unrepentant Goosebumps fanboy. For 3rd grade class pictures, we were encouraged to bring in and sport an item indicative of a hobby or passion, and I proudly brought a Goosebumps book to complement my matching Goosebumps hat and t-shirt. Eventually, my reading level surpassed surpassed Stine's style and my interest tapered off.
Music
Del Amitri
(1995)
I've heard one song by this band, "Roll to Me," and it's enough to warrant inclusion in my nostalgic vault. Why? The single was the first cassette I ever purchased. It's just over 2 minutes long and largely unremarkable, but it's the first recollection I have of actually liking a particular song.
Hootie and the Blowfish
(1994)
Hootie rode strong pop hooks and the resultant success of their debut album, "Cracked Rear View," to superstardom. The album has gone 16x platinum and was the top-seller overall in 1995. I absolutely loved Hootie and, luckily, my parents did too. This was before the internet age, and I recall waking at an ungodly hour and waiting in line at the local music store to get concert tickets the day they were released. I was 8 years old, and it was my first show. I remember holding my mother's hand as Darius Rucker sang the eponymous song and thinking that at that particular moment, life was perfect.
Spice Girls
(1996)
Don't you dare judge me. If you grew up in a developed country in the 1990s, the Spice Girls' Brit-glitz, girl power attitude, and made-for-radio jingle-pop infested your life too. From car stereos to MTV to Walkman cassette players around the world, the Spice Girls were going to tell you what they want, what they really really want, whether you wanted to hear it or not. I even saw Spice World too. Once. I still don't know what happened to the bomb on the Spice Bus...
Boy Bands
(All up in the 1990s)
Confession: I attempted to learn the choreography for the ballroom dancing scene in the Backstreet Boys' Everybody video. It was just that cool. First came New Kids on the Block. Then UK-natives Take That arrived on the scene. But it will always be the Backstreet Boys that, to me, opened the floodgates and drowned the world in boy band. N*Sync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, N2ge+her, Dream Street, etc. achieved varying degrees of notoriety before reverting to obscurity as the mania subsided. Probably the best thing about these groups was the utter predictability of the lineup. Every member had to fulfill a stereotypical niche. There was the cute one. The shy one (extra points if he was openly religious). The bad boy. The heartthrob . And, of course, the one people always forgot was actually in the band. The music was eventually satirized and hated upon (anything horribly overexposed ultimately is...see: Macarena) but boy band music remains my karaoke genre of choice, and I'd much rather listen to their brand of bubblegum pop than the vocalized T-Pain inspired fodder tainting the airwaves today.
The Macarena
(1995-1996)
Not much need be said about the Macarena. As the popularity of the song and dance grew to biblical proportion, there was a brief time when Los del Rio were more revered for their product than the Virgin Mary. Oddly, the song's relation to religion extends past that poorly conceived metaphor. Macarena, the name of the song's subject, was adapted from Magdalena, a term that described women of questionable repute. The song's original Spanish lyrics outline the promiscuity of its title character. I knew all the words, but I remember my 4th grade Spanish teacher blushing and changing the subject when I asked for a translation.
Film/Television
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
(1994)
I wanted to be Jim Carrey. I've seen this movie probably 30 times. I adopted his mannerisms and outlandish extroversion. I had a brief stint in film/television acting in my early teens, and Jim Carrey was probably the primary motivating force behind my ambition. As a 7 year old, I couldn't necessarily follow the film's plot line, but Carrey's performance served as entertainment enough. My tastes have matured and evolved, but he still features prominently in my absolute favorite move of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, albeit in a much different manner.
Nickelodeon
(1990-2000ish)
Here it is, the grand finale, the coup the grace, the most essential, formative, definitive element of my upbringing. I pity those who never experienced it in its prime. Nickelodeon's green slime-coated tentacles cradled and nourished the hearts and minds of American youth. It was generation Nick. The shows were incredible: daytime dramas "Hey Dude!" and "Salute your Shorts," gameshows like "Double Dare" and "Legends of the Hidden Temple," the infamous Nicktoons including "Ren and Stimpy," "Doug," and "Rocko's Modern Life," and its incredibly popular Snick lineup on Saturday nights. At the height of its popularity, the channel was merely the cerebral cortex driving a much larger cultural phenomenon. Themes quickly outgrew television sets, with the network's patented green slime, whipped cream pies and gaudy set design finding other merchandising outlets. I owned a Nick telephone and alarm clock, I subscribed (briefly) to the magazine, and, in perhaps the biggest testament to the brand's influence, one of my birthday cakes was even coated in slime frosting.
So there it is, an overview of the products, fads and memes that I still hold near and dear. Unfortunately, as I've come to learn, time always wins. Take Nickelodeon Studios, for example. What was once every child's Mecca is now a concrete rehearsal and production studio for the consistently-mediocre Blue Man Group. In fact, I'm skeptical that such universal cultural trends will continue forth in the future. The information age has largely diluted popular interest. Take a current worldwide sensation, Lady Gaga, for example. If you don't want to hear Gaga, you can discover and download indie music online. iPods have replaced car radios. The choice of accepting or spurning mainstream media has never before been so realizable by younger generations. It's an interesting sociological concept.
In summary, I hope you glean even a small fraction of the happiness from reading this that I did from writing it. Researching and revisiting these subjects was immensely gratifying. Though my current age reflects an independent period of life, I think it's important to maintain the things that made childhood unforgettable because, sometime in the future, they may once again become relevant.
Tuesday
a note from the author
In large part, I try to make this blog something people want to read. And that's by design. Who wants to invest time reading something uninteresting and humorless? I sure as hell don't. But more than embedded youtube videos, hyperlinks, and relentless satire, this simple square of cyberspace follows the thoughts and actions of an average person.
An average person has tasks, expectations, plans, inadequacies, hopes, dreams, and deficiencies. An average person eats, sleeps, loves, laughs, and occasionally locks their keys in the apartment.
An average person waxes, works, and wanes throughout seventy-something years of lucidity book-ended by eternal nothingness.
But there's a problem with all of this: I don't want to be average. I never, ever have. My first grade classroom had these interconnectable plastic bears you could join to form chains. Guess whose had to be the longest. In third grade I insisted upon working my tail off so I could move on to the fourth grade math book a year early. I took up acting during my early teenage years and went on film and television auditions to try and become somehow notable. In college, I started off as a music and journalism major but changed to business because investment banking provided exceptional prestige and income. It had nothing to do with interest. Who knows, maybe my transatlantic foray for grad school was motivated by the same factor...international experience is viewed as exotic and uncommon in culturally ignorant America.
Right now, I'm honestly in the throws of a quarter-life crisis. I'm unable to find the motivation to do any school work because it all seems so theoretical and impractical. I don't feel like learning how to map bond payments into principal components is worthwhile, and I feel like the only value at risk is my happiness. My GPA is suffering because of it, so much so that I learned today I likely won't be making it to New Zealand. I need a 7 to go abroad and will probably wind up with a 6.75. I got my grade back on a paper and scored the class average in a class full of non-native English speakers. This highlights another dissatisfaction I have with my current educational choice: I don't necessary feel like effort and input, when applied, correlate with success.
There are other compounding variables I'll discuss ambiguously. I invested a weekend and a plane ticket discovering that someone I thought may be truly exceptional is, in fact, flawed. Furthermore, a current cornerstone in my support system crumbled due to the weight of itself, and that's just tragic. There is a mutually advantageous solution but it's as complicated as neurosurgery and trying to operate would likely kill the patient. It's an awful paradox.
Most of the posts here are supposed to be things people would want to read. This was just something I wanted to write, something I needed to express. I feel aimless, passionless, and mired in mirthless mediocrity. I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea where I want to spend it or with whom. But I do want it to be extraordinary. I don't want to work a 9-5 job with a suburban house, a wife, a cat, a dog, and 2.4 kids. I just know I want to be happy, and I know that right now, I'm not.
An average person has tasks, expectations, plans, inadequacies, hopes, dreams, and deficiencies. An average person eats, sleeps, loves, laughs, and occasionally locks their keys in the apartment.
An average person waxes, works, and wanes throughout seventy-something years of lucidity book-ended by eternal nothingness.
But there's a problem with all of this: I don't want to be average. I never, ever have. My first grade classroom had these interconnectable plastic bears you could join to form chains. Guess whose had to be the longest. In third grade I insisted upon working my tail off so I could move on to the fourth grade math book a year early. I took up acting during my early teenage years and went on film and television auditions to try and become somehow notable. In college, I started off as a music and journalism major but changed to business because investment banking provided exceptional prestige and income. It had nothing to do with interest. Who knows, maybe my transatlantic foray for grad school was motivated by the same factor...international experience is viewed as exotic and uncommon in culturally ignorant America.
Right now, I'm honestly in the throws of a quarter-life crisis. I'm unable to find the motivation to do any school work because it all seems so theoretical and impractical. I don't feel like learning how to map bond payments into principal components is worthwhile, and I feel like the only value at risk is my happiness. My GPA is suffering because of it, so much so that I learned today I likely won't be making it to New Zealand. I need a 7 to go abroad and will probably wind up with a 6.75. I got my grade back on a paper and scored the class average in a class full of non-native English speakers. This highlights another dissatisfaction I have with my current educational choice: I don't necessary feel like effort and input, when applied, correlate with success.
There are other compounding variables I'll discuss ambiguously. I invested a weekend and a plane ticket discovering that someone I thought may be truly exceptional is, in fact, flawed. Furthermore, a current cornerstone in my support system crumbled due to the weight of itself, and that's just tragic. There is a mutually advantageous solution but it's as complicated as neurosurgery and trying to operate would likely kill the patient. It's an awful paradox.
Most of the posts here are supposed to be things people would want to read. This was just something I wanted to write, something I needed to express. I feel aimless, passionless, and mired in mirthless mediocrity. I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea where I want to spend it or with whom. But I do want it to be extraordinary. I don't want to work a 9-5 job with a suburban house, a wife, a cat, a dog, and 2.4 kids. I just know I want to be happy, and I know that right now, I'm not.
Wednesday
danish kortship
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, please help me welcome our interlocutor for this special question-and-answer session of Ben's Blog: the Visa Dankort! (Applause, please)
The Visa Dankort (henceforth VD) has agreed to join us today to promote himself and discuss current and future projects, including the magic and convenience he's spreading all across Denmark. For those of you not joining us live in the studio, a transcription of the session is provided below and followed by a brief biography of our special guest.
BB: So, what exactly are you?
VD: Great question. I'm a plastic-based proprietary financial instrument imbued with an electronic chip and magnetic stripe. I'm frequently called "the national card of Denmark" and I'm the only access the country has to short-term revolving credit. All of my impersonators are mere debit cards. I, on the other hand, give you 2-3 days before posting to your account to ensure you have sufficient funds to cover your purchases. It's fantastic. Within the country, you use my Dankort feature, and rely on the Visa for backup internationally.
BB: In the US we have a "swipe and sign" system that allows practically anyone the freedom to buy normally and pay for all purchases together at the end of the month. What's special about you?
VD: Several things, actually. I'm freedom, access and exclusivity. Being half Dankort, half Visa, I can be of service anywhere in Denmark, or throughout the rest of the world. All of the Danes have me, and I'm almost like a membership card to the culture club. Best of all, I play hard to get, so people feel privileged and empowered to actually have me. Some would call me a credit card...but that's like calling Leonardo da Vinci a moderately successful inventor.
BB: Well. What would we do without you VD?
VD: Another very good question, and I actually don't know the answer. I'm the exclusive payment method all over Denmark and was used over 676 million times in 2006 alone. Yes, people still use cash, but fees for withdrawing money from ATMs make me the preferred choice. The buy now/pay later system used in the US isn't accepted here, and I'm simply the most convenient way to buy.
BB: You speak well for yourself, how can I acquire you?
VD: I'm so glad you asked, the procedure is quite simple. Set up an account at your local bank and wait roughly 8 months. After that, you can request a review and, provided you've had consistent, generous cash inflows, you may be awarded a card.
BB: VD, you rascal...always the kidder. How do we really go about getting you?
VD: No, no. I'm serious.
BB: Ok, wait. Let me recap a few facts, and correct me if I'm wrong here. Other than cash, you're often the only form of payment accepted anywhere in the country.
VD: That's correct, yes.
BB: And your credit window is 2-3 days before the money is automatically debited from one's account.
VD: Also correct.
BB: There's no credit feature here, you're not lending your users any money?
VD: Right.
BB: But we have to wait 8 months and pass stringent income requirements to acquire you?
VD: Well, yes.
BB:So what do people do in the meantime? I mean, a simple meal for 2 at a Danish restaurant often costs in excess of 500 kr ($100). Who carries that much cash around with them?
VD: Well, I mean, I have to be exclusive and whatnot...you know what? No. I'm not doing this. I see right through your gimmick, Ben's Blog. You wanted to start this thing off as a warm and fuzzy informative about an important facet of Danish culture and watch it devolve into bickering as you illustrate your preconceived inadequacies with the system. I'm not having it. I'm not participating.
BB: I'm just trying to provide an objective view for our readers. Here, let's go with a real-world example. Actually, let's make it a fill-in-the-blank. I recently went to Taco Shop and was unable to pay because they only accepted you and I didn't have enough cash. As VD, that makes you feel...
VD: Done. Interview over.
BB: Goodness, I thought for sure he'd be better at accepting charges...
The Visa-Dankort was born in Copenhagen in September, 1983 to a single parent, Pengeinstitutternes Købe- og Kreditkort. His upbringing was a rather rough one, landing him in and out of court as a juvenile for displaying monopolistic tendencies. Finally, as he reached his 18th birthday, the government deemed him old enough to become his own company, Dankort A/S, as the outcome of antitrust legislation. As a 21st birthday present, he was imprinted with a special "chip." Though the company deemed it a security upgrade, the move was clearly designed to appease the high-fashion taste of Danes who would prefer to stylishly stick their card into a reader rather than swipe it. A current working professional, Visa-Dankort makes his money by charging businesses a flat fee based on the number of monthly transactions. His success is entirely attributed to his consumer appeal and relies upon blackmail to force store acceptance. In the future, Visa-Dankort intends to lobby for the illegalization of physical currency and all other payment methods for the sole sake of customer convenience.
The Visa Dankort (henceforth VD) has agreed to join us today to promote himself and discuss current and future projects, including the magic and convenience he's spreading all across Denmark. For those of you not joining us live in the studio, a transcription of the session is provided below and followed by a brief biography of our special guest.
BB: So, what exactly are you?
VD: Great question. I'm a plastic-based proprietary financial instrument imbued with an electronic chip and magnetic stripe. I'm frequently called "the national card of Denmark" and I'm the only access the country has to short-term revolving credit. All of my impersonators are mere debit cards. I, on the other hand, give you 2-3 days before posting to your account to ensure you have sufficient funds to cover your purchases. It's fantastic. Within the country, you use my Dankort feature, and rely on the Visa for backup internationally.
BB: In the US we have a "swipe and sign" system that allows practically anyone the freedom to buy normally and pay for all purchases together at the end of the month. What's special about you?
VD: Several things, actually. I'm freedom, access and exclusivity. Being half Dankort, half Visa, I can be of service anywhere in Denmark, or throughout the rest of the world. All of the Danes have me, and I'm almost like a membership card to the culture club. Best of all, I play hard to get, so people feel privileged and empowered to actually have me. Some would call me a credit card...but that's like calling Leonardo da Vinci a moderately successful inventor.
BB: Well. What would we do without you VD?
VD: Another very good question, and I actually don't know the answer. I'm the exclusive payment method all over Denmark and was used over 676 million times in 2006 alone. Yes, people still use cash, but fees for withdrawing money from ATMs make me the preferred choice. The buy now/pay later system used in the US isn't accepted here, and I'm simply the most convenient way to buy.
BB: You speak well for yourself, how can I acquire you?
VD: I'm so glad you asked, the procedure is quite simple. Set up an account at your local bank and wait roughly 8 months. After that, you can request a review and, provided you've had consistent, generous cash inflows, you may be awarded a card.
BB: VD, you rascal...always the kidder. How do we really go about getting you?
VD: No, no. I'm serious.
BB: Ok, wait. Let me recap a few facts, and correct me if I'm wrong here. Other than cash, you're often the only form of payment accepted anywhere in the country.
VD: That's correct, yes.
BB: And your credit window is 2-3 days before the money is automatically debited from one's account.
VD: Also correct.
BB: There's no credit feature here, you're not lending your users any money?
VD: Right.
BB: But we have to wait 8 months and pass stringent income requirements to acquire you?
VD: Well, yes.
BB:So what do people do in the meantime? I mean, a simple meal for 2 at a Danish restaurant often costs in excess of 500 kr ($100). Who carries that much cash around with them?
VD: Well, I mean, I have to be exclusive and whatnot...you know what? No. I'm not doing this. I see right through your gimmick, Ben's Blog. You wanted to start this thing off as a warm and fuzzy informative about an important facet of Danish culture and watch it devolve into bickering as you illustrate your preconceived inadequacies with the system. I'm not having it. I'm not participating.
BB: I'm just trying to provide an objective view for our readers. Here, let's go with a real-world example. Actually, let's make it a fill-in-the-blank. I recently went to Taco Shop and was unable to pay because they only accepted you and I didn't have enough cash. As VD, that makes you feel...
VD: Done. Interview over.
BB: Goodness, I thought for sure he'd be better at accepting charges...
Biography
The Visa-Dankort was born in Copenhagen in September, 1983 to a single parent, Pengeinstitutternes Købe- og Kreditkort. His upbringing was a rather rough one, landing him in and out of court as a juvenile for displaying monopolistic tendencies. Finally, as he reached his 18th birthday, the government deemed him old enough to become his own company, Dankort A/S, as the outcome of antitrust legislation. As a 21st birthday present, he was imprinted with a special "chip." Though the company deemed it a security upgrade, the move was clearly designed to appease the high-fashion taste of Danes who would prefer to stylishly stick their card into a reader rather than swipe it. A current working professional, Visa-Dankort makes his money by charging businesses a flat fee based on the number of monthly transactions. His success is entirely attributed to his consumer appeal and relies upon blackmail to force store acceptance. In the future, Visa-Dankort intends to lobby for the illegalization of physical currency and all other payment methods for the sole sake of customer convenience.
you had a bad day
In honor of my recent gaffe, I've scoured the internets and found what I consider to be a top-5 list of people having days far worse than mine. Forgetting the keys is a major inconvenience, but at least I didn't:
5. Fall prey to anything
4. Lose my job
3. Crash my car
2. Endanger my offspring
1. Lose my head
5. Fall prey to anything
4. Lose my job
3. Crash my car
2. Endanger my offspring
1. Lose my head
remembering is key
I was finished with my last major milestone until mid-April. The FMI retake (see the "FMI? FML" post for a more thorough assessment of that class) had gone over horribly, but the despair was tempered with giddiness at the prospect of an open schedule. The weekend was wide open, and I wanted nothing more than to marinate in the tender juices of relaxation.
Friday night the social chairman of our study program had arranged a large party that turned out to be horribly ironic. The theme was "dress inappropriately," and I'm convinced that he who conceived this concoction failed to take into account that the program contains 130ish people: 100 guys and 30 girls whose boyfriends wouldn't approve of the theme. This same master planner forgot to notify the bouncers that our group's attire wouldn't quite meet their club's standards. The result? Everyone who dressed inappropriately was not allowed inside the "dress inappropriately" party.
This perfectly illustrates the overarching theme of this post: sometimes people do dumb things. Saturday morning I collected all the empty bottles from our apartment and proceeded the 50 feet to the supermarket to reclaim their deposit value. As soon as the door closed behind me, however, I came to an interesting realization. My keys were on my dresser. Next to them were my credit cards, and slightly above those was my cell phone. My roommate was in Prague until Monday night, and it slowly dawned on me that I was totally and completely screwed. I borrowed a neighbor's phone and called a locksmith, who said he'd be delighted to help for $140. I politely told him where he could shove that exorbitant sum.
I owe a debt of gratitude to the residents of the Svanevej dorm for hosting me the next two nights, but despite having a place to sleep, I had no change of clothes and gradually became saturated in an intoxicating glaze of eau de eww. My apologies to whoever encountered me over that 56 hour period. In was an unfortunate turn to an otherwise glorious weekend, but taught be a valuable lesson: in the game of life, remembering is key.
Friday night the social chairman of our study program had arranged a large party that turned out to be horribly ironic. The theme was "dress inappropriately," and I'm convinced that he who conceived this concoction failed to take into account that the program contains 130ish people: 100 guys and 30 girls whose boyfriends wouldn't approve of the theme. This same master planner forgot to notify the bouncers that our group's attire wouldn't quite meet their club's standards. The result? Everyone who dressed inappropriately was not allowed inside the "dress inappropriately" party.
This perfectly illustrates the overarching theme of this post: sometimes people do dumb things. Saturday morning I collected all the empty bottles from our apartment and proceeded the 50 feet to the supermarket to reclaim their deposit value. As soon as the door closed behind me, however, I came to an interesting realization. My keys were on my dresser. Next to them were my credit cards, and slightly above those was my cell phone. My roommate was in Prague until Monday night, and it slowly dawned on me that I was totally and completely screwed. I borrowed a neighbor's phone and called a locksmith, who said he'd be delighted to help for $140. I politely told him where he could shove that exorbitant sum.
I owe a debt of gratitude to the residents of the Svanevej dorm for hosting me the next two nights, but despite having a place to sleep, I had no change of clothes and gradually became saturated in an intoxicating glaze of eau de eww. My apologies to whoever encountered me over that 56 hour period. In was an unfortunate turn to an otherwise glorious weekend, but taught be a valuable lesson: in the game of life, remembering is key.
Tuesday
a brief aside
Dear everyone living in and around California,
I hate you. If you don't go to Coachella, there's something wrong with you.
Love,
Ben
It's a three-day music festival from April 16th-18th, and if you went, you could see:
Friday:
Deadmau5
Grizzly Bear
La Roux
LCD Soundsystem
Passion Pit
She and Him
The Avett Brothers
The Whitest Boy Alive
Vampire Weekend
Yeasayer
Saturday:
Bassnectar
Beach House
Coheed and Cambria
David Guetta
DEVO
Hot Chip
Major Lazer
MGMT
Muse
Pretty Lights
The Temper Trap
The xx
Tiesto
Sunday:
Delphic
Florence and the Machine
Gorillaz
Jonsi (from Sigur Ros)
Julian Casablancas (from The Strokes)
Matt and Kim
Mutemath
Phoenix
Spoon
Thom Yorke (from Radiohead)
Holy eff, what a fine assortment of music. That is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most insanely appealing lineup I've ever seen. If I had any money at all I would be ALL over this. If you're going, don't talk to me about it. I don't want to know. On second thought, do let me know if you have any extra passes that include a plane ticket from Copenhagen. I'll trade you a kidney for them.
I hate you. If you don't go to Coachella, there's something wrong with you.
Love,
Ben
It's a three-day music festival from April 16th-18th, and if you went, you could see:
Friday:
Deadmau5
Grizzly Bear
La Roux
LCD Soundsystem
Passion Pit
She and Him
The Avett Brothers
The Whitest Boy Alive
Vampire Weekend
Yeasayer
Saturday:
Bassnectar
Beach House
Coheed and Cambria
David Guetta
DEVO
Hot Chip
Major Lazer
MGMT
Muse
Pretty Lights
The Temper Trap
The xx
Tiesto
Sunday:
Delphic
Florence and the Machine
Gorillaz
Jonsi (from Sigur Ros)
Julian Casablancas (from The Strokes)
Matt and Kim
Mutemath
Phoenix
Spoon
Thom Yorke (from Radiohead)
Holy eff, what a fine assortment of music. That is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most insanely appealing lineup I've ever seen. If I had any money at all I would be ALL over this. If you're going, don't talk to me about it. I don't want to know. On second thought, do let me know if you have any extra passes that include a plane ticket from Copenhagen. I'll trade you a kidney for them.
Monday
procrastination station
Some people have the innate drive and self-motivation to confront their assignments head-on and conquer them in a methodical, unyielding fashion. I have a 10-page research paper (due Friday) acting as an infinitely dark cloud obscuring my typically sunny disposition. So what have I been doing with my days? Well, my apartment is immaculate. My laundry is done. I even scanned and submitted credit card verification to re-enable my online poker account. I'm confident I've also plumbed the internet to unfathomable depths. The upside? I've discovered some pretty cool stuff. The downside? This paper is a growing beast, and each day adds a little more water.
Here's some of the stuff my procrastination has uncovered:
1. New Music. Here are a few recent addictions:
Phantogram:
Yeasayer:
2. Youtube Videos
Little Man, the Way Girls Are: Very amusing (and certainly true) Danish short film.
3. Articles
An informative history of the "Cougar":
http://www.more.com/7846/11711-500-years-of-cougar-history#1
And of course, the hopelessly redneck GatorBike (made with real alligator, mind you):
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1250891/Road-Kill-Alligator-killed-US.html
4. Ideas
It only takes one great idea to make you a multi-millionaire, and I may have had mine. Outsourcing is the business world's buzzword du jour, so why not take it a little further...outsource pregnancy. Women from developed nations don't want the burden and career-killer of lugging around a gestating fetus for 9 months (followed by maternity leave, of course). I propose a company that combines the requisite "components" from wealthy, career-minded couples, finds an appropriate surrogate in an impoverished third-world country, and makes magic happen. The couple gets their child, and the surrogate gets first-class prenatal care and several thousand dollars (which likely exceeds their annual income tenfold). Hey, who said pregnancy wasn't a full-time job?
Friday can't come soon enough.
Here's some of the stuff my procrastination has uncovered:
1. New Music. Here are a few recent addictions:
Phantogram:
Yeasayer:
2. Youtube Videos
Little Man, the Way Girls Are: Very amusing (and certainly true) Danish short film.
3. Articles
An informative history of the "Cougar":
http://www.more.com/7846/11711-500-years-of-cougar-history#1
And of course, the hopelessly redneck GatorBike (made with real alligator, mind you):
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1250891/Road-Kill-Alligator-killed-US.html
4. Ideas
It only takes one great idea to make you a multi-millionaire, and I may have had mine. Outsourcing is the business world's buzzword du jour, so why not take it a little further...outsource pregnancy. Women from developed nations don't want the burden and career-killer of lugging around a gestating fetus for 9 months (followed by maternity leave, of course). I propose a company that combines the requisite "components" from wealthy, career-minded couples, finds an appropriate surrogate in an impoverished third-world country, and makes magic happen. The couple gets their child, and the surrogate gets first-class prenatal care and several thousand dollars (which likely exceeds their annual income tenfold). Hey, who said pregnancy wasn't a full-time job?
Friday can't come soon enough.
Tuesday
losing that loving feeling
It finally happened today. I went to the bank to pay my rent and was informed that there were insufficient funds to make the transfer. It's not at all surprising, I've been running a deficit for a while now. As my Danish is rotten and I'll only be living here another 3.5 months, my qualifications render employers as unenthusiastic to hire me as I am about taking out a loan. So what to do? Don't worry, the clear heels are staying in the closet. But I am adding a few banner ads to this site and trying to draw a little more traffic to it. It makes me feel dirty, but not as dirty as if they shut off my water and I can't shower. If you appreciate the blog, I hope you'll consider making my bank account appreciate by visiting frequently or maybe even clicking on one of the ads.
Sunday
So I'm writing a story. I don't really know if it's a short story, a novella, or a full-fledged book. I don't really know much about it at all. I do know that if you have some free time, you'd probably derive some enjoyment from reading it (the first part of it anyways). I created a separate blog called The Write Stuff for it and future stories, and you can either remember the address (www.benwritinglately.blogspot.com) or simply link to it here. Enjoy!
Tuesday
fullfilling days
Camels are not actually indigenous to Egypt, as evidenced by their absence in ancient Egyptian art, which frequently depicts other animals. Endearingly awkward and teeming with personality, the beasts of burden were most likely introduced to Egypt by the Persians. Typically I make fun of camel jockeys, but that day I was one. My camel, Michael Jackson, was slightly stubborn and handled like a three-wheeled Hummer with blown struts. We sauntered (at times galloped) Ali-Baba style around the complex and nearby Sphinx over the course of a couple of hours and I became increasingly convinced that my next car should, in fact, be a camel. I’d love to see that DMV registration.
Class: SUV
Year: 2002
Make: Syrian
Model: Twin Hump
Color: Brown
After a lunch of koushary, an Egyptian dish featuring several types of chopped pasta, lentils and chickpeas, we traversed the city’s madness to reach the Citadel of Saladin, a large fortress complex that today houses an enormous, imposing mosque built by Mohammad Ali in the 1850s. The pyramids were originally even more spectacular, coated with a layer of gleaming limestone that shone with prismatic radiance in the sun. Ali, being a douchebag, plundered the stone to build his monument. The mosque’s interior is intricate and opulent, a sort of middle-eastern corollary to St. Peter’s Cathedral in Rome. Its patrons are an interesting bunch, half praying Muslims and half tourists photographing praying Muslims.
The day was grueling, highly exhausting, but one of few I know I’ll never forget.
1/23
I was to meet the mothers and Ahmed at the Egyptian Museum at 9 a.m. sharp. My guidebook advised an early arrival to avoid the afternoon crowds, so I figured an arrival at the museum’s opening time would provide a leisurely perusal of some of the world’s most spectacular artifacts. On that morning, however, Japan invaded Egypt. Dozens of tour buses adorned with Japanese symbols opened their doors as the clock chimed 9 and a sea of diminutive, chattering beings emerged. They say ants can bear up to 10 times their body weight. The Japanese can do the same with Nikons. They’re culturally oblivious to the concept of personal space, and I was so thoroughly groped in the ticket line that buying me dinner beforehand would have been only polite
Once inside, I was simultaneously awed and depressed. Performed by removing all internal organs (heart and kidneys excepted) and bodily moisture, mummification is designed to preserve a corpse as thoroughly as possible. Egyptians believed that keeping the body intact aided in the transition to the new body in the afterlife. The same principle is applicable in Egyptian art; the side-profile was utilized to present the body’s elements in their entirety (especially the eye). Pharaohs and other wealthy denizens had their servants and pets ritually slaughtered upon their death and (along with other riches) buried with them so that they could be served and entertained for eternity. Their culture and religion dictated that life be spent preparing for death, yet who knows if their obsession with the afterlife is at all founded. They were polytheists, heathens by Christian and Islamic standards, so either this entire ancient civilization is rotting in hell (as Christianity teaches Jesus opened the gateway to heaven about 2000 years ago), or modern day theists have the wrong idea about what happens after we inevitably pass away.
The award for most remarkable museum content undoubtedly goes to the burial artifacts of King Tut. He was a little-known, largely unimportant boy-king who died at the age of 18 after a less than 10 year reign. What makes him the face of Egyptian antiquity is the discovery of his burial chamber intact and unspoiled by Howard Carter in 1922. Among the spoils on display are his 25 pound gold burial mask and a sarcophagus adorned with enough bling to make any rap mogul green with envy. The runner-up prize goes to the animal mummy room, which has an impressive collection of preserved cows, baboons, birds, cats and yes, even Nile crocodiles. Animals’ internal organs were not preserved, but liquefied and removed via a turpentine enema shortly after death. Yum.
The Egyptian mom, Sohar, treated us to a lunch with her nieces aboard a Nile riverboat. Eating above my means was the upside of traveling with three older women. Shopping was the invariable downside. They were keen to peruse mass-produced, made-in-China garbage from tourist trap souvenir stores. Egypt T-shirts. Sphinx-themed magnetic tea saucer sets. Scarab paper-weights. Pyramidal jewelry boxes. Stuffed camels with “I Love You” sewn across them. I guess it’s the thought that counts, but why not bring people back something real? If you go to Berlin, for example, get a crumble from the wall. If you go to Zimbabwe, get a tiny denomination of the local currency. Get anything that has or once had relevance in regards to your location. Two hours and 136 “special price my friend”s later, I bid final farewell to my brief companions and concluded the day.
1/24
Alexandria, on Egypt’s northern coast, is positively teeming with history. The ancient library, founded sometime in the first half of the 4th century, contained a wealth of knowledge from all over the known world. All ships entering the port were obligated to surrender any manuscripts on board for copying and cataloguing. Nobody really knows the extent of information contained there, but there have been glimpses that suggest it was highly advanced. The Piri Reis map, for example, was likely conceived using information from the library. The Pharos of Alexandria (better known as the lighthouse) was one of the 7 ancient wonders of the world. It was the world’s tallest structure at the time, and may have housed the world’s first lens, used both to magnify ships in the distance and concentrate sunlight to burn enemy vessels. Unfortunately, both structures were destroyed (the former by fire, the latter by earthquake), but I still wanted to visit Alexandria to imagine and bask in what once was. So I did.
Due to a computer snafu, all my pictures from today were mysteriously deleted. I'm in the process of procuring copies, and I’ll edit them in as soon as I get them.
I met and banded together with a fellow hostel dweller, Hans (German), and we wiled away the 3 hour train ride sharing stories. Reaching our destination (and with no Ahmed to ferry us around), steam locomotion gave way to bipedal. It was an absolute nightmare. Crossing the street is like real-life frogger (see: “If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball”). The highlight of the day (by far) was the modern library that occupies the spot of the original. It takes the form of an enormous disk slanted and wedged into the ground at an angle. An impressive stone relief serving as part of the building’s façade is imprinted with symbols and words from every alphabet in existence. Inside is extensive and immaculate, an absolute contrast to the filth and squalor of the world outside. Was it worth 6 hours in a train to see two buildings that don’t exist anymore? Yep.
Schoolwork is terrible. I stayed up most of the night perfecting and expanding a scientific paper on principal-agent theory in the telecommunications sector. Will this have any use in the future? No. Did I want to write it? Certainly not. Does my professor want to read it? Uh uh. Then why am I writing it? Uh…
1/25
I slept most of the day as a result, but felt like I’d pretty much accomplished Cairo at this point. I (barely) survived the walk to the train station and spent an hour and a half trying to purchase my ticket for the overnight train to Luxor. Hans proposed we watch the big soccer match that evening, Egypt vs. Cameroun in the Africa Cup of Nations tournament, and we trudged around trying to find a venue. Muslims are prohibited from consuming alcohol (which is actually an Arabic word), so bars take the form of coffee shops where the boys get together for a few water pipes and a game of backgammon. Hans and I settled in at one of these cramped and crowded establishments and adhered ourselves to the tiny tube television hanging from the ceiling. The small shop buzzed with energy, and any activity in favor of Egypt was met with fist pumping and enthusiastic Arabic from the hometown crowd. Egypt 3-1, in overtime.
Hans and I parted after the game and, amazingly, I was briefly alone for the first time after 4 days in Cairo. For security reasons, tourists are relegated to one train daily from Cairo to Luxor. In my cabin I encountered Brian. Originally from Salt Lake City, his devout Mormon parents kicked him out of the house when he was 17. He migrated to Los Angeles and began satiating his lust for travel by satiating the lust of others. The petite, effeminate man-slut is now 29, lives in Berlin, uses occasional DJ gigs as his sole source of income, and continues to spend any excess on travel. This guy’s been to more than 60 countries. His knowledge of geography and “the way the world works” is staggering, and his current choice of light reading is a book surveying 20th century world history. He’s what most people would call “cultured," and he got that way by selling himself. It’s an interesting story, to say the least.
Tomorrow I’m headed to the fabled Valley of the Kings, never a dull day in Egypt. Never.
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