letters to my critics: part 3

This one requires a little backstory. I mentioned in the last post that I'm writing my thesis with Vestas, the world's largest wind turbine manufacturer. I was set on their 2-year "Graduate Program" for future employment. Its rotational nature offered 8-month stops in Portland, Oregon; Århus, Denmark; and Beijing, China. The pay was excellent, housing and health care were provided, and an annual contribution to one's retirement fund came standard. With perks like that, I wasn't surprised to learn that the program receives over 6000 applications for just 30 positions each year. Despite the long odds, I made it through the initial resume pool. I took a numerical reasoning test, verbal reasoning test, and completed a telephone interview before being notified that, despite passing all elements individually, I would not be receiving an invitation to the next step of the process. I still have no idea why.

That was about a month ago, and I hadn't heard from their HR department again...until today, that is, when I received the following email:



Dear Benjamin Jones
Thank you for the interest you have shown Vestas and our Graduate Programme.

For the continious (sic) improvement of our recruitment efforts we would like to hear where you learned about Vestas' graduate programme and how you have experienced the recruitment process. We therefore kindly ask you to complete this short survey, which will take between 5 and 10 minutes to complete.

In return you get the opportunity to win an iPod! If you win, you will be directly contacted in ultimo June.
You initiate the survey by clicking the link below
Thank you very much
Martin Kiil
Graduate Recruitment & Employer Branding




Dear Mr. Kiil,
Thanks very much for taking the time to check up on me. I had tried my best to forget your department's puzzling rejection of my application, which, in case you were wondering, was for a position of extreme interest and importance to me. I remain unemployed, but I can tell that a man with your skill and tact needn't trifle with such concerns. You've clearly identified your calling in life, being the most callous, oblivious, and emotionally void HR representative I've ever encountered. And, unfortunately, I've encountered quite a few.

Since you see fit to rub salt in my wound, may God sow the fields of your life with the same. This indescribably inappropriate email is, quite probably, the most offensive thing I've ever read. Since you have the social radar of an autistic ant (and I hesitate to write that because it may be offensive to ants with autism), allow me to rephrase your asinine request in prose you may find more apropos:

"Dear Mr. Jones, thanks for investing hope, enthusiasm, and countless hours of your time completing our very demanding application. Now that we've rejected you, would you give us 5-10 more minutes to fill out a survey? We'd like to learn how to better reject others in the future. Don't worry little horsey, here's an iPod on a string to lead you across the finish line."

Why don't you just punch me in the gut and throw a dollar bill at me while I'm doubled over? Do you know how else I could have gotten an iPod, Mr. Kiil? With the salary your company declined to pay me. I might have had money for food too, even. Perhaps some rent. But thank the world for you, Martin, my saint. Now I can listen to the blues from the comfort of my cardboard box on the corner of 37th and 5th. It's an iPod Shuffle too, isn't it? You thoughtless prick.

Here's to karmatic justice and your swift demise.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Jones