Two things...first, I promise to have a proper entry up in the next couple of days. Keep an eye out for that. Second, I felt compelled to comment on what I just saw on cnn.com. Here's a screenshot: I was on the international site, to be fair, but I think I can still summarize these 14 articles succinctly: Some people died all over the world, more are in position to die, others narrowly avoided death, and a South African with a spell-check defying last name won the British Open.
By all accounts, keeping up with current events is a great way to stay informed and develop global perspective. But who honestly wants to read this? Some kids surviving a flood is a feel-good story, and seeing Tiger Woods fail does illicit a small nod to karmatic justice, but the overwhelming morbidity is just sickening. There are 7 billion lives and an infinite number of inhuman happenings to pull stories from at any given time. Is this the best that one of the world's largest news agencies can do?
As an addendum, I researched CNN a bit and discovered that they're in the midst of a ratings slump and actually losing their best, longest-standing anchors to competing agencies (see http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62I02R20100319). If they're looking for a way to turn it around, I think I may have a few suggestions.
I turned 23 years old last week. It's unfathomable (and a little frightening) that time goes by so quickly and peculiar that its passage seems only to be accelerating. Life events (like birthdays) typically warrant a bit of introspection, and I can't help but feel that each happening over my 8,039 days of existence served as a hammer strike to the chisel that sculpts me. Because of this, I thought it might be nice to revive, remember, and reflect upon some of the more formative fads and items that helped define my current self. For those privy to or products of American culture, what follows will likely be a leisurely stroll down memory lane. Others can simply wonder at the strange, strange crap my countryman have produced or enjoyed. Food and Drink
Crystal Pepsi (1992-1993) Riding its quirky slogan, "You've never seen taste like this," crystal Pepsi followed a larger trend equating clarity and quality. It tasted nearly identical to original Pepsi, and my 5-year old self was baffled that something clear could taste like something that clearly wasn't. People were intrigued by the nuance, but interest quickly faded and the product was pulled. It was actually conceived and marketed by Yum! Brands Inc, the same company responsible for one of my favorite things in life, Taco Bell.
Pop Qwiz (early 1990s) Popcorn, as a food, is somewhat intriguing. It changes states of matter from dense kernels to fluffy, buttery goodness when subjected to the proper amount of heat. But what if it were different colors? Even better, what if you could never predict precisely what color your bag would produce? Pop Secret explicitly marketed this to children, and it blew my young mind. Just watch the commercial. You had me Pop Secret, you had me.
Dunk-a-roos (1988-present) What a marvelous concept. You take a kangaroo-shaped cookie (available in a multitude of flavors) and dunk it in an accompanying frosting partition (also available in a multitude of flavors). The cinnamon flavored cookies with the chocolate or vanilla frosting were undoubtedly the best and, thanks to the popularity of their Australian-accented Kangaroo mascot, you simply weren't the coolest kid in elementary school unless your lunch included a pack.
Orbitz (1997) This non-carbonated fruity beverage was aptly named after the edible orb bits that floated magically inside its oddly-shaped bottle. It was a cousin to another of my childhood favorites, Clearly Canadian, and was quickly discontinued due to soft sales. The unopened bottles have become a cult collector's item, and I think my family still has a few stashed somewhere in the attic.
Games and Toys
Magic: The Gathering (1993-present) Created by mathematician Richard Garfield, MTG was (and probably still is) a card game played in lunchrooms and mothers' basements around the world. It pits two players, posing as powerful wizards called "planeswalkers" against each other using mystical spells and creatures. All of these are depicted, of course, on collectible cards purchasable at your local hobby store. Common, uncommon, and rare cards were allocated 11/3/1 in each 15 card pack, ensuring that the more you bought, the more formidable your competitive arsenal. Ironically, the more dedicated you were to this game, the less likely it was that you had any friends to play with.
Pokemon (ca. 1996) Pokemon was such a defining element in many peoples' upbringing that they can remember where they were when they first met Professor Oak and embarked on a that infamous journey through the land of Kanto. It was a Japanese concept that made it to the states in the form of 2 partner games, Pokemon Red and Blue, for the original black-and-white Gameboy. In the years following its release, I honestly believe I spent more time playing this game than not playing it. The slogan was "Gotta Catch 'em All!" and I did. Oh, I did.
Pogs (mid-1990s) Pogs were originally milk bottle caps. The game originated in Hawaii in the 1920s and 1930s, with caps from a juice brand called POG being the most widely used. The Canada Games Company reintroduced Pogs and the concept exploded, eventually being banned in schools across North America due to rampant popularity. In its merchandised form, Pogs were circular bits of cardboard with images (of anything, really) imprinted on one side. Players threw heavier metal "slammers" down onto tall stacks of pogs to disrupt them, and the player causing the most carnage claimed victory. Yes, I had thousands of these.
Skip-It (Late 1980s-early 1990s) Skip-It achieved widespread notoriety due to its extensive marketing on Nickelodeon (more on that later, trust me). The commercial serves as ample product description, and I made certain that my counter was stuck at 999.
Nintendo 64 (September 1996) Though slightly predated by Sony's Playstation, Nintendo 64 effectively redesigned the video game market. Its 64-bit graphics processor allowed for 3D rendering, and the days of 2D side-scrolling and aerial view were left in the dust. Though Mario 64 (included with console purchase) was amazing, the N64 spawed several other absolute gems. Goldeneye, for example, absolutely annihilated every competitor in its genre and absorbed hundreds of hours of my life. Though slightly less universally popular, Banjo-Kazooie was also a favorite of my 12-year old self. As Banjo, a guffawing, dimwitted bear, you stormed the palace of evil witch Gruntilda and reclaimed your kidnapped sister. With a great storyline, tons of hidden Easter eggs, and the glorious tongue-in-cheek humor of developer Rare, it was one of the many reasons N64 is arguably the most successful console ever made.
Books
Roald Dahl (1993-present) My teacher for 1st-3rd grade was a British import by the name of Ms. Wood, and she had a profound effect on my upbringing. It was she who suggested I read Mr. Dahl's material and I was absolutely fascinated. There was the imaginative genius of the stories, sure, but also a heavy infusion of British culture that amplified the distance and magic of the worlds he described. I mean, Charlie Bucket found the golden ticket in a candy bar he bought with shillings and farthings. What in the world are those? Even if you've never heard of Dahl, you've probably heard of his work. He's responsible for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and Fantastic Mr. Fox, all of which have been made into movies (Willy Wonka twice actually). In 4th grade I had to write my first "paper." It was a 2-page biography on someone we found interesting, and I chose him. It may very well be Roald Dahl (and Ms. Wood) I have to thank for my interest in multiculturalism. By the way, this Youtube video contains an excellent overview of Dahl's work and includes many interesting facts I didn't know. If you watch one of these clips, watch this one.
Goosebumps (1992-1997) This series of novellas made author R.L. Stine a very, very wealthy man. The books infiltrated and dominated the relatively unexploited children's horror genre. The original run of 68 titles included "Monster Blood," "Say Cheese and Die!," "Attack of the Mutant," and the petrifying "It Came from Under the Sink." The series spawned innumerable spin-offs and spoofs including comic books, a moderately successful TV series, 2 video games, and a movie in the works. In its heyday, I was an unrepentant Goosebumps fanboy. For 3rd grade class pictures, we were encouraged to bring in and sport an item indicative of a hobby or passion, and I proudly brought a Goosebumps book to complement my matching Goosebumps hat and t-shirt. Eventually, my reading level surpassed surpassed Stine's style and my interest tapered off.
Music
Del Amitri (1995) I've heard one song by this band, "Roll to Me," and it's enough to warrant inclusion in my nostalgic vault. Why? The single was the first cassette I ever purchased. It's just over 2 minutes long and largely unremarkable, but it's the first recollection I have of actually liking a particular song.
Hootie and the Blowfish (1994) Hootie rode strong pop hooks and the resultant success of their debut album, "Cracked Rear View," to superstardom. The album has gone 16x platinum and was the top-seller overall in 1995. I absolutely loved Hootie and, luckily, my parents did too. This was before the internet age, and I recall waking at an ungodly hour and waiting in line at the local music store to get concert tickets the day they were released. I was 8 years old, and it was my first show. I remember holding my mother's hand as Darius Rucker sang the eponymous song and thinking that at that particular moment, life was perfect.
Spice Girls (1996) Don't you dare judge me. If you grew up in a developed country in the 1990s, the Spice Girls' Brit-glitz, girl power attitude, and made-for-radio jingle-pop infested your life too. From car stereos to MTV to Walkman cassette players around the world, the Spice Girls were going to tell you what they want, what they really really want, whether you wanted to hear it or not. I even saw Spice World too. Once. I still don't know what happened to the bomb on the Spice Bus...
Boy Bands (All up in the 1990s) Confession: I attempted to learn the choreography for the ballroom dancing scene in the Backstreet Boys' Everybody video. It was just that cool. First came New Kids on the Block. Then UK-natives Take That arrived on the scene. But it will always be the Backstreet Boys that, to me, opened the floodgates and drowned the world in boy band. N*Sync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, N2ge+her, Dream Street, etc. achieved varying degrees of notoriety before reverting to obscurity as the mania subsided. Probably the best thing about these groups was the utter predictability of the lineup. Every member had to fulfill a stereotypical niche. There was the cute one. The shy one (extra points if he was openly religious). The bad boy. The heartthrob . And, of course, the one people always forgot was actually in the band. The music was eventually satirized and hated upon (anything horribly overexposed ultimately is...see: Macarena) but boy band music remains my karaoke genre of choice, and I'd much rather listen to their brand of bubblegum pop than the vocalized T-Pain inspired fodder tainting the airwaves today.
The Macarena (1995-1996) Not much need be said about the Macarena. As the popularity of the song and dance grew to biblical proportion, there was a brief time when Los del Rio were more revered for their product than the Virgin Mary. Oddly, the song's relation to religion extends past that poorly conceived metaphor. Macarena, the name of the song's subject, was adapted from Magdalena, a term that described women of questionable repute. The song's original Spanish lyrics outline the promiscuity of its title character. I knew all the words, but I remember my 4th grade Spanish teacher blushing and changing the subject when I asked for a translation. Film/Television
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) I wanted to be Jim Carrey. I've seen this movie probably 30 times. I adopted his mannerisms and outlandish extroversion. I had a brief stint in film/television acting in my early teens, and Jim Carrey was probably the primary motivating force behind my ambition. As a 7 year old, I couldn't necessarily follow the film's plot line, but Carrey's performance served as entertainment enough. My tastes have matured and evolved, but he still features prominently in my absolute favorite move of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, albeit in a much different manner.
Nickelodeon (1990-2000ish) Here it is, the grand finale, the coup the grace, the most essential, formative, definitive element of my upbringing. I pity those who never experienced it in its prime. Nickelodeon's green slime-coated tentacles cradled and nourished the hearts and minds of American youth. It was generation Nick. The shows were incredible: daytime dramas "Hey Dude!" and "Salute your Shorts," gameshows like "Double Dare" and "Legends of the Hidden Temple," the infamous Nicktoons including "Ren and Stimpy," "Doug," and "Rocko's Modern Life," and its incredibly popular Snick lineup on Saturday nights. At the height of its popularity, the channel was merely the cerebral cortex driving a much larger cultural phenomenon. Themes quickly outgrew television sets, with the network's patented green slime, whipped cream pies and gaudy set design finding other merchandising outlets. I owned a Nick telephone and alarm clock, I subscribed (briefly) to the magazine, and, in perhaps the biggest testament to the brand's influence, one of my birthday cakes was even coated in slime frosting.
So there it is, an overview of the products, fads and memes that I still hold near and dear. Unfortunately, as I've come to learn, time always wins. Take Nickelodeon Studios, for example. What was once every child's Mecca is now a concrete rehearsal and production studio for the consistently-mediocre Blue Man Group. In fact, I'm skeptical that such universal cultural trends will continue forth in the future. The information age has largely diluted popular interest. Take a current worldwide sensation, Lady Gaga, for example. If you don't want to hear Gaga, you can discover and download indie music online. iPods have replaced car radios. The choice of accepting or spurning mainstream media has never before been so realizable by younger generations. It's an interesting sociological concept.
In summary, I hope you glean even a small fraction of the happiness from reading this that I did from writing it. Researching and revisiting these subjects was immensely gratifying. Though my current age reflects an independent period of life, I think it's important to maintain the things that made childhood unforgettable because, sometime in the future, they may once again become relevant.
In large part, I try to make this blog something people want to read. And that's by design. Who wants to invest time reading something uninteresting and humorless? I sure as hell don't. But more than embedded youtube videos, hyperlinks, and relentless satire, this simple square of cyberspace follows the thoughts and actions of an average person.
An average person has tasks, expectations, plans, inadequacies, hopes, dreams, and deficiencies. An average person eats, sleeps, loves, laughs, and occasionally locks their keys in the apartment. An average person waxes, works, and wanes throughout seventy-something years of lucidity book-ended by eternal nothingness.
But there's a problem with all of this: I don't want to be average. I never, ever have. My first grade classroom had these interconnectable plastic bears you could join to form chains. Guess whose had to be the longest. In third grade I insisted upon working my tail off so I could move on to the fourth grade math book a year early. I took up acting during my early teenage years and went on film and television auditions to try and become somehow notable. In college, I started off as a music and journalism major but changed to business because investment banking provided exceptional prestige and income. It had nothing to do with interest. Who knows, maybe my transatlantic foray for grad school was motivated by the same factor...international experience is viewed as exotic and uncommon in culturally ignorant America.
Right now, I'm honestly in the throws of a quarter-life crisis. I'm unable to find the motivation to do any school work because it all seems so theoretical and impractical. I don't feel like learning how to map bond payments into principal components is worthwhile, and I feel like the only value at risk is my happiness. My GPA is suffering because of it, so much so that I learned today I likely won't be making it to New Zealand. I need a 7 to go abroad and will probably wind up with a 6.75. I got my grade back on a paper and scored the class average in a class full of non-native English speakers. This highlights another dissatisfaction I have with my current educational choice: I don't necessary feel like effort and input, when applied, correlate with success.
There are other compounding variables I'll discuss ambiguously. I invested a weekend and a plane ticket discovering that someone I thought may be truly exceptional is, in fact, flawed. Furthermore, a current cornerstone in my support system crumbled due to the weight of itself, and that's just tragic. There is a mutually advantageous solution but it's as complicated as neurosurgery and trying to operate would likely kill the patient. It's an awful paradox.
Most of the posts here are supposed to be things people would want to read. This was just something I wanted to write, something I needed to express. I feel aimless, passionless, and mired in mirthless mediocrity. I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea where I want to spend it or with whom. But I do want it to be extraordinary. I don't want to work a 9-5 job with a suburban house, a wife, a cat, a dog, and 2.4 kids. I just know I want to be happy, and I know that right now, I'm not.
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, please help me welcome our interlocutor for this special question-and-answer session of Ben's Blog: the Visa Dankort! (Applause, please) The Visa Dankort (henceforth VD) has agreed to join us today to promote himself and discuss current and future projects, including the magic and convenience he's spreading all across Denmark. For those of you not joining us live in the studio, a transcription of the session is provided below and followed by a brief biography of our special guest.
BB: So, what exactly are you? VD: Great question. I'm a plastic-based proprietary financial instrument imbued with an electronic chip and magnetic stripe. I'm frequently called "the national card of Denmark" and I'm the only access the country has to short-term revolving credit. All of my impersonators are mere debit cards. I, on the other hand, give you 2-3 days before posting to your account to ensure you have sufficient funds to cover your purchases. It's fantastic. Within the country, you use my Dankort feature, and rely on the Visa for backup internationally.
BB: In the US we have a "swipe and sign" system that allows practically anyone the freedom to buy normally and pay for all purchases together at the end of the month. What's special about you? VD: Several things, actually. I'm freedom, access and exclusivity. Being half Dankort, half Visa, I can be of service anywhere in Denmark, or throughout the rest of the world. All of the Danes have me, and I'm almost like a membership card to the culture club. Best of all, I play hard to get, so people feel privileged and empowered to actually have me. Some would call me a credit card...but that's like calling Leonardo da Vinci a moderately successful inventor. BB: Well. What would we do without you VD? VD: Another very good question, and I actually don't know the answer. I'm the exclusive payment method all over Denmark and was used over 676 million times in 2006 alone. Yes, people still use cash, but fees for withdrawing money from ATMs make me the preferred choice. The buy now/pay later system used in the US isn't accepted here, and I'm simply the most convenient way to buy.
BB: You speak well for yourself, how can I acquire you? VD: I'm so glad you asked, the procedure is quite simple. Set up an account at your local bank and wait roughly 8 months. After that, you can request a review and, provided you've had consistent, generous cash inflows, you may be awarded a card.
BB: VD, you rascal...always the kidder. How do we really go about getting you? VD: No, no. I'm serious.
BB: Ok, wait. Let me recap a few facts, and correct me if I'm wrong here. Other than cash, you're often the only form of payment accepted anywhere in the country. VD: That's correct, yes.
BB: And your credit window is 2-3 days before the money is automatically debited from one's account. VD: Also correct.
BB: There's no credit feature here, you're not lending your users any money? VD: Right.
BB: But we have to wait 8 months and pass stringent income requirements to acquire you? VD: Well, yes.
BB:So what do people do in the meantime? I mean, a simple meal for 2 at a Danish restaurant often costs in excess of 500 kr ($100). Who carries that much cash around with them? VD: Well, I mean, I have to be exclusive and whatnot...you know what? No. I'm not doing this. I see right through your gimmick, Ben's Blog. You wanted to start this thing off as a warm and fuzzy informative about an important facet of Danish culture and watch it devolve into bickering as you illustrate your preconceived inadequacies with the system. I'm not having it. I'm not participating.
BB: I'm just trying to provide an objective view for our readers. Here, let's go with a real-world example. Actually, let's make it a fill-in-the-blank. I recently went to Taco Shop and was unable to pay because they only accepted you and I didn't have enough cash. As VD, that makes you feel... VD: Done. Interview over.
BB: Goodness, I thought for sure he'd be better at accepting charges...
Biography
The Visa-Dankort was born in Copenhagen in September, 1983 to a single parent, Pengeinstitutternes Købe- og Kreditkort. His upbringing was a rather rough one, landing him in and out of court as a juvenile for displaying monopolistic tendencies. Finally, as he reached his 18th birthday, the government deemed him old enough to become his own company, Dankort A/S, as the outcome of antitrust legislation. As a 21st birthday present, he was imprinted with a special "chip." Though the company deemed it a security upgrade, the move was clearly designed to appease the high-fashion taste of Danes who would prefer to stylishly stick their card into a reader rather than swipe it. A current working professional, Visa-Dankort makes his money by charging businesses a flat fee based on the number of monthly transactions. His success is entirely attributed to his consumer appeal and relies upon blackmail to force store acceptance. In the future, Visa-Dankort intends to lobby for the illegalization of physical currency and all other payment methods for the sole sake of customer convenience.
In honor of my recent gaffe, I've scoured the internets and found what I consider to be a top-5 list of people having days far worse than mine. Forgetting the keys is a major inconvenience, but at least I didn't:
I was finished with my last major milestone until mid-April. The FMI retake (see the "FMI? FML" post for a more thorough assessment of that class) had gone over horribly, but the despair was tempered with giddiness at the prospect of an open schedule. The weekend was wide open, and I wanted nothing more than to marinate in the tender juices of relaxation.
Friday night the social chairman of our study program had arranged a large party that turned out to be horribly ironic. The theme was "dress inappropriately," and I'm convinced that he who conceived this concoction failed to take into account that the program contains 130ish people: 100 guys and 30 girls whose boyfriends wouldn't approve of the theme. This same master planner forgot to notify the bouncers that our group's attire wouldn't quite meet their club's standards. The result? Everyone who dressed inappropriately was not allowed inside the "dress inappropriately" party.
This perfectly illustrates the overarching theme of this post: sometimes people do dumb things. Saturday morning I collected all the empty bottles from our apartment and proceeded the 50 feet to the supermarket to reclaim their deposit value. As soon as the door closed behind me, however, I came to an interesting realization. My keys were on my dresser. Next to them were my credit cards, and slightly above those was my cell phone. My roommate was in Prague until Monday night, and it slowly dawned on me that I was totally and completely screwed. I borrowed a neighbor's phone and called a locksmith, who said he'd be delighted to help for $140. I politely told him where he could shove that exorbitant sum.
I owe a debt of gratitude to the residents of the Svanevej dorm for hosting me the next two nights, but despite having a place to sleep, I had no change of clothes and gradually became saturated in an intoxicating glaze of eau de eww. My apologies to whoever encountered me over that 56 hour period. In was an unfortunate turn to an otherwise glorious weekend, but taught be a valuable lesson: in the game of life, remembering is key.
Ben Jones holds a Master's Degree in Economics and Business Administration from Copenhagen Business School and a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration from the University of North Carolina's Kenan-Flagler Business School. He currently works for a major construction machinery manufacturer and tries to stay current on macroeconomic affairs.
The Visa-Dankort was born in Copenhagen in September, 1983 to a single parent, Pengeinstitutternes Købe- og Kreditkort. His upbringing was a rather rough one, landing him in and out of court as a juvenile for displaying monopolistic tendencies. Finally, as he reached his 18th birthday, the government deemed him old enough to become his own company, Dankort A/S, as the outcome of antitrust legislation. As a 21st birthday present, he was imprinted with a special "chip." Though the company deemed it a security upgrade, the move was clearly designed to appease the high-fashion taste of Danes who would prefer to stylishly stick their card into a reader rather than swipe it. A current working professional, Visa-Dankort makes his money by charging businesses a flat fee based on the number of monthly transactions. His success is entirely attributed to his consumer appeal and relies upon blackmail to force store acceptance. In the future, Visa-Dankort intends to lobby for the illegalization of physical currency and all other payment methods for the sole sake of customer convenience.
