red moon rising?

If you have any interest in global affairs, you've probably noticed that CNN International's menu these days is invariably a main course of Arab unrest with a side of EU sovereign debt served atop, you guessed it, a plate made from (and probably in) China. I'll be the first to admit that this slanty-eyed new kid on the economic block doesn't seem like the most approachable bloke, and there's two reasons for my wariness.

The first goes back to a Dutch academic by the name of Geert Hofstede who dedicated his professional career to exploring "cultural dimensions" used to quantify the extent of social dissimilarities between residents of various countries. Of all nations examined, the US and China have some of the most disparate scores. Even a cursory, qualitative glance paints a pretty clear picture: pillars of the American Dream are founded in entrepreneurship, individualism, and the resultant accumulation of wealth and ownership. That's how I've been raised all of my 24 years-- those silken values are emblazoned on my breast pocket and worn on my sleeve. In China, an entrepreneur is someone unfit to work within a respectable organization, the greatest strength is found in numbers, and your picket-fenced suburban homestead is licensed under revocable government contract. I've experienced mainland Chinese culture, and I've tried my best to embrace and understand the people beneath the values. At times, it's quite difficult.

The second reason is that they tend to smell of cabbage. I don't like cabbage.

So what's the point of this post? What's going on here? Well, ready or not, here they come. All 1.3 billion of them. And that's come as quite a surprise to even the foremost of experts on foreign policy. Henry Kissinger, US Secretary of State during the Nixon administration, was interviewed by CNN yesterday. He was asked if there was any indication that China would become an emerging global superpower during his tenure in the 1960s. "It would have been inconceivable," he replied. "Nobody had any such perception or expectation."

If the rising red moon comes to eclipse the western world, it would be the most important trend of the 21st century, beyond a shadow of a doubt. And it certainly has the tools to do so. I think that's why the media features China so prominently and acts as though its embryonic economy is being propelled skyward with unflappable inertia. What I want to do here is cash in on my investment in business school and explain, in as non-businessy way as possible, why the red moon very well may wane before the watchful eyes of concerned Americans, speculative investors, and the media.

It all starts with the Renminbi, China's currency (also known as Yuan, which is to Renminbi as bucks is to dollars). Every concerned reference about "made in China," the "trade imbalance," and outsourcing stems from China's currency or, more specifically, the way the Communist Party of China and the People's Bank of China treat the currency. But before I delve further into specific policies, it's important to first understand exactly what currency is, and how the world's currencies are related. Really, they're meaningless. They just symbolize how far each person can dip into the same pool of global resources. No skinny dipping please, that's gross. We all share.

Normally, currencies fluctuate depending on their relative supply and demand. Why is the British pound the world's strongest currency? It's consistently in demand, and there aren't that many in circulation. Why are there 20,408 Vietnamese Dong to the US dollar? I'm going to steer clear of the potty humor here and say that it's because the Vietnamese government at some point printed a ton of them to kick-start the economy, but nobody wanted them. There are a couple of things that impact the supply/demand relationship.

The first is the interest rate offered by the country's central bank. If the US is offering 4% interest per year and the UK is offering 6%, Americans will rightly convert their dollars to pounds to fetch a higher interest rate. We're not as dumb as everyone thinks we are. It's here that currency speculation comes into play. If I've traded for Pounds to get the 6%, and the pound strengthens against the dollar by 10% over the course of that year, well I've actually made 16% when I convert it back. Lucky me!

But that brings us to the second factor impacting the relative demand for currency, and that's imports and exports. If I want a Lotus Exige S (which I do, trust me), I'd have to import it from the UK. That means I have to swap my dollars for pounds to go buy it. The more people that want that car (along with millions of other British goods), the more dollars will wait in line to be exchanged, and that mismatch between supply and demand enables people with pounds to ask for more dollars in return. Basically, the pound goes up in value. That's supply and demand, baby.

Here's where China comes into play. Some enterprising, cabbage-scented fellow realized that Chinese workers would put in a full days' work just to dip their toe in the refreshing pool known as consumption. In fact, that mindset was consistent across the entire country, from food to houses to services. Americans, however, expected to at least paddle around. Everyone recognized the discrepancy, but there was nothing they could do about it: the Chinese government wouldn't allow international trade. True to communism, the government pretended to pay the people and the people pretended like they were working. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, however, the enticing aroma of money wafting through the window was too sweet to ignore. When the government relented (slightly), manufacturing proved the easiest way to take advantage of wage discrepancies. Even the cost of shipping goods across the world didn't make up for the difference. In the service sector, outsourcing was established as a way to exploit the same difference.

The government saw the money coming in, and decided that it liked that. It wanted to perpetuate the discrepancy for as long as possible, and up until recently was succeeding magnificently. How do we know? Even now, after recent declines, exports account for 28% of China's total economic output, which is now second in the world only to the United States. The fact is, that shouldn't happen. At least not naturally, and you can figure that out by logic. If the United States is always buying more from China than China is buying from the US (what economists aptly call a "US trade deficit"), more Yuan are requested than dollars. Eventually, unless the US is offering a much higher interest rate than China to counteract that trend, more Yuan will be demanded relative to dollars, which should push up the price.

The United States has indeed been running a huge trade deficit for quite some time (to the tune of over $13 billion for the month of May alone), and our interest rates, thanks to the crummy economy, are practically zero as our bank tries to incentivize spending rather than saving.

The problem, the entire crux of this matter, is that China will not let the Renminbi rise as it should. They artificially "peg" their currency to ours and maintain their favorable discrepancy, much to our chagrin. Liberalized, capitalist countries abide by a set of gentlemen's trade rules that include free-floating currencies. China plays by its own rules. But how exactly are they manipulating the currency? It all goes back to supply and demand. The Central Bank of China goes into the exchange market, where this supply/demand relationship exists, and buys enough US dollars with Yuan to perfectly counteract the opposite flow. "Now wait," you say, "that's not fair." The US, and actually most of the western world, would agree with you. China does not, nor are they particularly bothered by your objection.

But this practice becomes more nefarious. All those dollars they bought have to go somewhere right? Indeed they do, right into the hands of the CIC, short for the Chinese Investment Corp. This is the world's largest investing entity (other than perhaps the Abu Dhabi sovereign wealth fund, which doesn't disclose its capital). They take that money and go buy stuff...anything really. They bought some of Harvard's real estate portfolio, 10% of Morgan Stanley, and even made some strategic purchases like Canada's West Penn oil sands exploration company. Technically, there's nothing wrong with sovereign wealth funds along as they simply invest to earn financial returns. The divisive issue is whether or not China's into it for more than that, trying to snatch up and control resources or advanced technology. I'm of the opinion that they absolutely are, but I'll disclaim that my opinion is just as the definition implies.

So what's to stop it then? Have they got us by the balls? Not exactly. Or should I say, not anymore. You learn pretty quick in an economics class that when you artificially manipulate natural market movements, there are always repercussions. There's no exception here. Aside from basically keeping its citizens poor, which a depressed exchange rate does, China is causing inflation. Just as all the dollars they buy go somewhere, all the Yuan used to purchase them go somewhere too, and that somewhere is the growing mound of made-in-China cash getting bigger and bigger despite representing the same amount of access to the global consumption pool. The more of their stuff we buy, the more severe their inflation. They know this, and they've "re-fixed" the pegged number of Yuan per Dollar recently (by temporarily failing to correct the trade surplus) to 6.48:1, 5.4% higher than it was before. This move should have eased inflation, but it didn't. The average item in China required 5.6% more Yuan in 2011 than in 2010. At this point, they've thrown the policy bible (probably written in symbols) at the problem, but domestic inflation is persistent even as the currency appreciates. That's really rare, and speaks to the gross mismatch between what the Yuan is worth, and what it should be worth.

The economists among us will be quick to point out that it matters little- Goldman Sachs still expects China's total economic output (GDP) this year to be 9.4%, even with inflation factored in. That's torrid growth, but I'd counter by pointing out that food prices specifically are up far more. If a Big Mac in Beijing was 10 Yuan in May 2010, it's 11.70 a year later. Of course, this 11.7% rate of inflation, doing the fancy calculations, still means the average Chinese person can afford 3.3% more food this year than last.

Still, 3.3%. That's nothing to scoff at right? It is when you live by the arbitrary rules of an opaque, oppressive regime that denies personal liberties and abuses its citizens. And I've conversed with enough Chinese to know that that is not an opinion. The Party knows this too, and they're scared poopless by the "Arab Spring" revolutions to the point of overt paranoia. They've tweaked the "Great Firewall of China" to censor searches for every possible keyword relating to the uprisings. If you're connected through mainland servers, you won't read about revolutions on Facebook or Twitter either. Both are blocked. In fact, when CNN got wind of a potential impromptu demonstration in a public square, reporters arrived to find all entrances blocked by unmarked cars. They were approached, frisked, and by some accounts beaten by plainclothes officials patrolling the area. The Party's reaction to every jab at liberalization has been nothing but an uppercut of repression. If history tells us anything, it's that the proletariat, when repeatedly repressed, will eventually usurp its oppressor. Even if they're as passive as the Chinese.

I'm not saying that a revolution is happening tomorrow. Nothing but isolated protests have occurred and no other indications suggest a movement. Without going into too much more depth, however, China has the demographic makeup and, God knows, a reason to be discontent with their limited lifestyle.

China's always prominently featured in the news because it's a controversial and, for many people, threatening topic that garners page views. I'd contend, though, that the government is hiding from its people atop an economic structure built ever higher by masking tape and moist toothpicks. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be standing near it when it comes crashing down, and sooner or later, it will.

letters to my critics: part 3

This one requires a little backstory. I mentioned in the last post that I'm writing my thesis with Vestas, the world's largest wind turbine manufacturer. I was set on their 2-year "Graduate Program" for future employment. Its rotational nature offered 8-month stops in Portland, Oregon; Århus, Denmark; and Beijing, China. The pay was excellent, housing and health care were provided, and an annual contribution to one's retirement fund came standard. With perks like that, I wasn't surprised to learn that the program receives over 6000 applications for just 30 positions each year. Despite the long odds, I made it through the initial resume pool. I took a numerical reasoning test, verbal reasoning test, and completed a telephone interview before being notified that, despite passing all elements individually, I would not be receiving an invitation to the next step of the process. I still have no idea why.

That was about a month ago, and I hadn't heard from their HR department again...until today, that is, when I received the following email:



Dear Benjamin Jones
Thank you for the interest you have shown Vestas and our Graduate Programme.

For the continious (sic) improvement of our recruitment efforts we would like to hear where you learned about Vestas' graduate programme and how you have experienced the recruitment process. We therefore kindly ask you to complete this short survey, which will take between 5 and 10 minutes to complete.

In return you get the opportunity to win an iPod! If you win, you will be directly contacted in ultimo June.
You initiate the survey by clicking the link below
Thank you very much
Martin Kiil
Graduate Recruitment & Employer Branding




Dear Mr. Kiil,
Thanks very much for taking the time to check up on me. I had tried my best to forget your department's puzzling rejection of my application, which, in case you were wondering, was for a position of extreme interest and importance to me. I remain unemployed, but I can tell that a man with your skill and tact needn't trifle with such concerns. You've clearly identified your calling in life, being the most callous, oblivious, and emotionally void HR representative I've ever encountered. And, unfortunately, I've encountered quite a few.

Since you see fit to rub salt in my wound, may God sow the fields of your life with the same. This indescribably inappropriate email is, quite probably, the most offensive thing I've ever read. Since you have the social radar of an autistic ant (and I hesitate to write that because it may be offensive to ants with autism), allow me to rephrase your asinine request in prose you may find more apropos:

"Dear Mr. Jones, thanks for investing hope, enthusiasm, and countless hours of your time completing our very demanding application. Now that we've rejected you, would you give us 5-10 more minutes to fill out a survey? We'd like to learn how to better reject others in the future. Don't worry little horsey, here's an iPod on a string to lead you across the finish line."

Why don't you just punch me in the gut and throw a dollar bill at me while I'm doubled over? Do you know how else I could have gotten an iPod, Mr. Kiil? With the salary your company declined to pay me. I might have had money for food too, even. Perhaps some rent. But thank the world for you, Martin, my saint. Now I can listen to the blues from the comfort of my cardboard box on the corner of 37th and 5th. It's an iPod Shuffle too, isn't it? You thoughtless prick.

Here's to karmatic justice and your swift demise.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Jones

updates and new beginnings

To begin this post, let's take a moment to recognize the word "ash" for its usefulness by so many of the world's demographics. Rich folks ash their stogies, black people deal with ash to a dermatologic degree, the entire nation of Iceland has just determined that their country, like China, is full of ash holes, and I hesitate to even mention World War 2.

On a different note, I've decided that nothing can bar me from creating a website about music, even if I'm the only staff. This blog was intended to be more autobiographic, so I created a separate one called Soniscope and transferred all the old music posts there. It'll be regularly updated with themed features, so follow along if you're interested. I promise a symphony of satisfaction!

Regarding this blog, updates have been painfully slow recently because there honestly haven't been many newsworthy incidents. The job search still has me puzzled, but plenty of this semester's pieces were altogether enjoyable. Here's a brief list:

-Snellen: This Austrian card game was introduced to me by two countrymen in early January. The learning curve is alp-grade, due in large part to the cards used to play.



You'll notice there are 4 suits (hearts, bells, shades, and acorns) and that a 2-6 straight is very tough to come by. Gameplay is a wrinkled, competitive, and fiercely addicting version of spades. Everyone I know is hooked, and I've wiled away many nights scheming behind a spielkarten facade.

-The Beatsteaks: The Soniscope will soon cast its gaze on this German band, who recently electrified my favorite Copenhagen music venue. Despite it being sold out, I was drug to this show by the same group of wily Austrians responsible for my raging Snellen addiction and somehow procured a pass. Excellent concert, but I seriously feared for my safety on multiple occasions.

-Sensation White: Some men get grill sets or cuff links for their birthdays. Forget them, I got a ticket to a rave in Norway. That's another story for Soniscope, but the weekend in Oslo was memorable in its own rite, both for the beautiful bus ride and the battered bank account that inevitably follows $18 Big Mac meals.

-The Opera: Copenhagen's Opera is simply stunning. Opened in 2000, "Operæn," as the Danes call it, was donated by the A.P. Møller Foundation funded by the Mærsk founder who bears its name. Total costs exceeded $500 million, and the project was tried at length in the court of public opinion. The A.P. Møller Foundation existed at least partially to take advantage of Danish tax law that exempted corporations from tax on charitable donations. In essence, the city was purchasing most of the building that would serve as Møller's monument to himself and be placed in geographic line with the Queen (Amalienborg Palace) and God (Marble Church, the country's largest). Three semesters went by before I ever set foot inside, but I finally saw a Danish ballet, Et Folkesang, and was blown away by the interior. They truly spared no expense.



The Wind Industry: My semester's objective has been my master's thesis, a 120-page behemoth research assignment counting for a third of my grad school GPA. Working on it is like boxing a four ton amoeba with a Mr. T mohawk. Where do you even start? Does it pity the fool who challenges it? We're writing with a company called Vestas, the world's largest manufacturer of industrial wind turbines. I've learned a tremendous amount about an extraordinary industry, and with any luck I'll be able to put that knowledge to further use working for them or one of their competitors. To put extraordinary in perspective, Vestas released specifications for their newest prototype, an offshore turbine that produces 7 megawatts. Its wingspan is 164 meters in diameter. If the area of a circle is pi*r^2 like your geometry teacher insisted, the swept area of this machine's rotors could fit Yankee Field...twice. Here's one of the blades to visual scale:



So that's the semester in a hodgepodge nutshell. Tomorrow's Soniscape feature will be a similar recap with dissimilar emphasis. Check back then!

ben jones on the great unknown

The sighting in this video below was observed by thousands of people and forced the closure of 2 Chinese regional airports. It was the eighth that month. The government claimed it was a military test flight, but failed to explain their motive behind flying top secret experimental aircraft through populated civilian airspace.



I'll admit, I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Not the sort that believes we staged the moon landing, but I do consider myself an independent thinker. Whether you're a skeptic or someone who sleeps with a cork and a roll of duct tape to prevent probing, there's no denying the fun in pondering a certain age-old question.

Is anybody out there?

The Facts

I'm with Stephen Hawking. I'd say he speaks for himself, but that's a little cruel. Playing his numbers game, I think it's hard to deny the existence of company. Scientists have already identified 544 extrasolar planets (with 1235 more awaiting confirmation), yet we've scanned only an infinitessimal portion of our surroundings. Solar systems, even those with rocky planets in the habitable zone, are not particularly rare. Based on mass and luminosity measurements, astronomers believe there are roughly 100 billion stars in our galaxy, and an equal number of galaxies in the universe. Counting the number of stars in the sky goes beyond billions, past trillions, and even further than quadrillions. Forget about quintillions too. There are at least 10 sextillian stars, and we've found an earth-like planet orbiting one that's just 20 light years away. On a galactic scale, it's so far under our nose we'd have to cross our eyes to see it. In my mind there is no way, none whatsoever, that we're totally and completely alone out here.

I know what you're saying. Even if life had somehow spawned elsewhere, who's to say it would be any smarter or more advanced than us? There's certainly the possibility that we're the best and brightest of what's out there, but I really, really doubt it. We made Jersey Shore for heaven's sake. Guidos and other microbial life aside, take a look at the universal time scale. Based on the date of the big bang, the universe is approximately 13.75 billion years old. Radiometric dating of meteorite material on earth has pegged its age at roughly 4.55 billion years. The first unicellular organism appeared about 3.7 billion years ago, and we presumably evolved from there. Imagine if somewhere along the way, over the course of planetary formation and evolution, an intelligent race developed .0001% earlier than us. A head start of one ten-thousandth of a percent, an incredibly minute and statistically insignificant deviation, would put them ahead of us 1,375 years. Where was mankind, darling of the universe, lord of everything, that long ago? Lost in the dark ages.

Look how far we've come since then, and imagine what our society would look like (and what technological capabilities it would possess) if we made it to year 3386. I'd contend that for us to make it that long, we'd have to have developed some sort of capability for interplanetary travel. Our resources just won't hold out.

But Ben, you say, no matter how advanced they may be, the vast void of space is just too large to traverse. That argument folded recently in the wake of new studies on gravity and special relativity in relation to string theory. Scientists proved in 2009 that Einstein was right: gravity does warp space, even on a galactic scale. This was proof of concept for anti-gravity research and the sci-fi style "warp drive" we're all so familiar with. Imagine being shrunk and asked to walk from one end of a piece of paper to the other. Wouldn't it be great if, instead of traipsing all the way from end to end, you could just fold the paper back on itself and hop across? Yep. If we can conceive it now, I'm sure we'll perfect it within the next 1,375 years.

The Implications

So E.T. has a reasonable chance of existing somewhere out there, and the possibility of him (her? it?) possessing vastly superior technology is not altogether inconceivable. Does that mean those flying saucers are out there? Are we being visited? I wouldn't be particularly surprised. The following are actual quotes:


"All Apollo and Gemini flights were followed, both at a distance and sometimes also quite closely, by space vehicles of extraterrestrial origin - flying saucers, or UFOs, if you want to call them by that name.
Every time it occurred, the astronauts informed Mission Control, who then ordered absolute silence."

Maurice Chatelain
Former Chief of NASA Communications Systems


"At no time, when the astronauts were in space were they alone: there was a constant surveillance by UFOs."

NASA Astronaut Scott Carpenter
Carpenter photographed a UFO while in orbit on May 24, 1962. NASA still has not released the photograph.


"Let there be no doubt. Alien technology harvested from the infamous saucer crash in Roswell, N.Mex., in July 1947 led directly to the development of the integrated circuit chip, laser and fibre optic technologies, particle beams, electromagnetic propulsion systems, depleted uranium projectiles, stealth capabilities, and many others.

How do I know? I was in charge!

I think the kids on this planet are wise to the truth, and I think we ought to give it to them. I think they deserve it."

Colonel Philip Corso
Former Head of Foreign Technology at the U.S. Army's Research and Development Department at the Pentagon. Four years Director of Intelligence on President Eisenhower's White House National Security Staff


"We must insist upon full access to discs recovered. In the LA case the Army grabbed it and would not let us have it for cursory examination."

J Edgar Hoover
Former Director of the FBI


"Extraterrestrial contact is a real phenomenon. The Vatican is receiving much information about extraterrestrials and their contacts with humans from its Nuncios (embassies) in various countries, such as Mexico, Chile and Venezuela."

Monsignor Corrado Balducci
Vatican theologian insider close to the Pope. Monsignor Balducci is on a Vatican commission looking into extraterrestrial encounters, and how to cope with the emerging general realization of extraterrestrial contact.


I'm sure there are plenty of storytellers out there looking for a way to rise from obscurity and cash in on 15 minutes of fame. But these are all esteemed and high ranking officials who stand to gain nothing but a tarnished reputation by mentioning this sensitive subject. So let's suppose they're right. Why the coverup? Why haven't little grey people with big heads and glassy eyes landed on the White House lawn and flashed a peace sign?

The answer to the first question is fairly obvious. Proof of extraterrestrials would shake society at its core. The economic impact would be staggering. The risk of invasion and the uncertainty of their intentions would cause financial markets to crumble. Some contingent of the population would inevitably believe that doomsday had arrived and react with the associated stupidity. World religions would have a lot of explaining to do. The knowledge of "others" would fundamentally alter society, for better or worse, forever. Some sort of rough adjustment period is assured, and this is one cat we can't wrestle back into the bag if we're displeased with its behavior. The government figures, and I really can see their point, that there are some things we're just better off not knowing.

In response to the second, only in the past few years have we become capable of interacting in an interplanetary community. If a meet and greet committee presented themselves to welcome us into the galactic federation, country boundaries would have significantly less meaning. We'd have to make decisions uniformly, at a planetary level. Good luck to us in that regard. Political nightmare aside, the technology for us to instantaneously communicate globally has only been around a few years. Can you imagine trying to organize a global summit through international telephone lines? Or even worse, commuting by horseback? This is the first time in human history that we're capable of meeting and drafting planetary resolutions with sufficient efficiency.

A final thought- Check out this article. It's the most compelling evidence I've read that something is afoot, primarily because it makes complete sense within the context of an interplanetary introduction. I have trouble believing the reports of intellectually superior beings stealing us from our beds or putting microscopic transmitters in our bodies, but I can definitely see why they would want to find a way to neutralize our nuclear assets while they make themselves known. Even if docile, they can't be certain how we'll react to their arrival, and nuclear weapons are by far their biggest threat if we opt to militarize.

My Take

My gut feeling is that they're out there, are visiting us, and have been for some time (this website is a little chinsy but certainly interesting). I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. Imagine if they could traverse space simply by "folding the paper." That would change everything, and I think they can. Scientists have already made a mouse levitate by creating an artificial gravitational field using diamagnetism. The major hindrance in its development for largescale use is the immense power it requires (the mouse levitator used 6 MW of power, equivalent to the output of two industrial sized wind turbines). I think a more advanced race would have a way around that one too. Antimatter is real, and its annihilation results in a pure matter to energy conversion. Extreme refinement of an antimatter generator would allow for a compact device installable in even a Hyundai-class spaceship. This may sound hairbrained, but recall that Colonel Corso's quote explicitly mentions particle beams and electromagnetic propulsion systems as technology we "borrowed" from the Roswell saucer. Quite a convenient coincidence. But if they can get here, and indeed are, why haven't they invaded us for our resources like Stephen Hawking said they would? Well, I have an idea. We're discovering that earth-like planets are actually relatively common, but what if they're really common? You wouldn't rob your neighbor's pantry when there are 4 free all-you-can-eat buffets within half a block. Why go to the extra trouble of wiping out an indigenous population? I think James Cameron is on my team, that idea didn't work out too well for humanity in Avatar. I'd imagine they're curious about us and are keeping a watchful eye as we pass technological milestones, but I think they have little interest in our daily affairs and would prefer not to interfere. Some alien middle manager probably lost his (her? its?) job over the Roswell crash.

I hope definitive proof will come sometime over the course of my lifetime, and I think it's more a possibility now than ever. Phone video technology is continually improving and may be soon be good enough to zoom into those spontaneous UFO sightings in HD quality. Instantaneous communication could have 100,000 people tweeting about a mass sighting like this one. Maybe someone in the know, and with proof to back it up, makes their way to Wikileaks. Or maybe, on an otherwise perfectly normal day, we're deemed ready to join some intergalactic community and are ferried hand-in-(hand?) to the stars. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm looking forward to whatever it is.

Turn the light out say goodnight
No thinking for a little while


New update coming soon!

Why can't all news be reported like this?

readers' requests

My life since my last update has been, unfortunately, entirely unremarkable. I've been doing a lot of writing, but most of it has been in the form of cover letters and other material about as eventful as a monastery bedroom.

So here's your chance! I'm open to ideas for the subject of my next proper post. Is there somewhere or something you're interested in? Some deep-seeded curiosity nibbling at your soul? Give me your suggestions, and I'll research and report. Ready...GO!

Oh man, this is definitely going to be me.

in search of carisma

Thanks to Earth's tilted rotational axis and some brilliant planning on my part, I have a 32-day gap between the end of my classes and my flight home to enjoy New Zealand's summer scene. My dorm will close, so I have no choice but to take a road trip around the country. Tough luck, I know. I'll be joined by Thorvald, my Danish classmate from CBS, as we experience glow-worm caves, bungee jumping, zorbing, the sheer excitement of sheep-shearing, and some of the world's most dramatic scenery. We agreed that the best way to travel with flexibility and convenience is to buy an inexpensive car and sell it as we leave. I'm of the opinion that this is a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, and I want it to be accompanied by a once-in-a-lifetime car. I've done some preliminary shopping, but I wanted to do my due diligence and make sure I make the right decision. Here are a few candidates:

1. 1991 Toyota Sera ~$750



Cons: Body damage on rear-right quarterpanel. Small 1.5L engine. Actually, small in general.

Pros:


It has effing gullwing doors. Short of a Lamborghini, this is the best way to cruise into our youth hostels' parking lots in epic style.



2. 1986 Daihatsu Mira ~$500



Pros: Past commercial usage indicates that we always mean business. Low 72,500 km mileage (...kilometrage?). Spacious rear cargo area for our luggage, friends, or a hot tub.
Cons:


That's the engine. And that isn't where it belongs.



3. Arrow AX8-KT100 ~$1000



Pros: Convertible. Combine with costume party to create Mario Kart reenactment. Mouth may be held open while driving to provide supplementary meals.
Cons: Fitting 2 people and 100 lbs of luggage on it. Clearing any barrier higher than 2 inches.



4. 1990 BMW 318i $(Best Offer)



Pros: Racing tuned. Spaceship-esque cockpit. Included back-up set of wheels and tires enables (over)aggressive driving. Could easily but illegally reduce transportation time by half.

Cons: You can outrun debt collectors and jilted lovers, but you can't outrun the law.



5. 1986 Toyota Hiace "Death Van" ~$900


Pros: Bullethole decals provide instant "street cred." Optimal vehicle in the event of spontaneous zombie attack. Thorvald loves heavy metal. As the seller described, "Can cart the coffins of deceased loved ones around." "The photo was taken in May of this year. It was at a park in Nelson at a wedding. The speakers on the ground because they are blasting out Black Sabbath tunes while we wait for the Bride. You can use it at your wedding!"
Cons: May be mistaken for rapists. Loose wires could result in shocking problem. Interior beat harder than Rihanna.





6. 1966 Abbott FV433 $(Best offer)


Pros: Front-mounted 105mm Howitzer with 18.3 mile range ensures that road rage will be vindicated. Recently passed inspection. Treads render inaccessible areas accessible. Amphibious kit included. No matter how far you go, you've always got a full tank.
Cons: Mildly intimidating and slightly conspicuous.



Decisions, decisions.

go big or go home

When I get a degree, get a job, and get settled, I plan on enjoying luxuries my last four years of travel haven't afforded. Two main things are on this list: a subscription to National Geographic, and a dog. Both of those things are pretty normal, but I'm not a huge fan of that. Normal is boring. Anybody can do normal. There's not much I can do about NatGeo, that's a pretty standardized item. But the dog...well, there we have some leeway.

My classes start in 2 days, and I should be reading a document entitled "Cross-Hedging Your Security Portfolio with Futures Contracts." That's exactly why I'm dog shopping instead. I was originally thinking about a Newfoundland. A family I used to babysit for had one, and that thing was awesome. Well-mannered, loyal, relatively sedate, and the novelty of its enormous size came standard. I looked into the topic a little further though, and something else caught my eye. There's a dog with very similar characteristics, shorter hair (less shedding!), and even more massive size. It's called the English Mastiff, and I would love to cruise around the neighborhood with this thing in my back seat:



I'm no mind reader, but I'd wager that right now you're considering how impractical that dog is, on many different fronts. Practicality is boredom's less-attractive stepsister. If my job doesn't require ridiculous hours or excessive travel, I'm getting me one.

jabbing the jobless

In the fall of 2007, I was presented with an opportunity that would truly change my life. The globe program, which allowed me to visit 18 countries and 3 continents over an 8 month span, forever changed my perception of the world and yielded some friendships I'm sure will be lifelong. But opportunity sometimes comes with a price, and globe certainly did. The traditional path of an undergraduate business major involves a summer internship between the 3rd and 4th years, potentially (typically) leading to a full-time offer. Financial institutions fill between 70 and 90 percent of their entry-level positions with interns. Globe students would be studying abroad in Hong Kong during that summer. The two were mutually exclusive. Some kids accepted into the program chose the internship and dropped out. One now works at Goldman Sachs, another at Morgan Stanley, two of the most competitive, prestigious Wall Street firms.

At that time, my international experience was limited to a two-week trip to Italy in 7th grade. I knew I had the rest of my life to work, I wanted to see the world, and Globe wouldn't look half bad on a resume. I could still get a job, right? Wrong. Those same firms offering internships indirectly caused the financial crisis that, quite literally, left the world's economy retarded. Then, in response to their own blunder, they stopped hiring. They honored the full-time offers extended to the previous years' summer interns (as they should have) and locked the doors. I watched classmates and friends with inferior academic credentials head off to the jobs I wanted. That's not to diminish them, I just feel I could have been among them had I taken that route. And I don't pretend to be alone in this, the other 14 members of my program faced an equally grim job market. Most were able to find employment of some kind, but few found the same opportunities afforded to similarly qualified students the previous year. My last bastion of hope, Wachovia, was bought by Wells Fargo 2 days before my final round interview. "Don't call us, we'll call you," they said.

Even then, all hope was not lost. I got an incredible opportunity: get paid to live in a place that I absolutely love, get a Master's degree, and change pastures while the grass regrows. Sold.

Everybody knows "that guy" at a party that picks up a chip, dips it, bites it, then dips the slobber-ridden edge back in the salsa. The double-dip is a tremendously unpopular faux pas. Unfortunately, by most analyst accounts, the economy is about to do just that. One model, which has actually been relatively accurate in the past, predicts a stock crash during September and negative economic growth in the second half of 2010. Funny, those are the exact circumstances I faced two years ago.

I'm a believer that one's first job plays a considerable role in the overall trajectory of a career. I want to start off strong, but it seems as though the invisible hand of the markets serves only to bitch-slap the crap out of me. I honestly don't know what to do. My options are far more limited this time around. Continuing education gets dicey...I could go for a PhD and defer private sector entry even longer, but firms don't typically hire doctors with no work experience. And I've been more or less transient since I left for globe. With the exception of my senior year at UNC, I haven't spent more than 6 months in the same country. I'm craving a sense of permanence and some disposable income. I feel so incredibly capable of performing, and performing well, for anybody. But like the geeks at the middle school dance, it's hard to get the pretty girls to reciprocate...especially when the football team walks through the door every time you make your move.

I wouldn't trade my globe experience for a corner office at Goldman Sachs. Still, I can't help but survey my current situation and wonder what the heck to do now.

between kiwis and kangaroos- know your natives

Heritage

The two countries do stand differentiated regarding native heritage. Future Australians crossed a series of land bridges in a single, large migration to arrive from Southeast Asia somewhere between 40,000 and 120,000 years ago. These people must have annoyed the crap out of each other en route because geographic dispersion on arrival resulted in hundreds of individual colonies and 250-300 different languages. Colonies developed unique cultures, but all retained facets present prior to divergence, most notably the metaphysical concept of "Dreamtime." Dreamtime refers to a parallel, cyclical plane of existence that transcends perceived reality. Occurrences in this sea of souls shape and govern a tribe's social values. Of course, some are more capable of tapping into this spiritual realm than others. Religion often serves to stratify the masses, and Aboriginal dogma is no exception.

The association of music with The Dreaming led to the development of "song lines," melodies synonymous with certain emotions or feelings. Historians hotly debate which came next: accompanying instrumentation, or the first season of Aboriginal Idol. Many tribes began using clapping sticks (banging two sticks together) to accompany their song lines. The first didgeridoo was fashioned shortly thereafter, probably in an attempt to drown out the incessant percussion of clapping sticks. The two were found to sound quite nice together and became staples of ceremonial rites.



New Zealand was void of mankind until Polynesian settlers arrived around 1280. A small group of people boarded an even smaller group of oceangoing canoes and paddled over a thousand miles to an empty island. And nobody knows why. I've plumbed the pipes of the internets and used the google, and all I've unearthed are rather pedestrian hypotheses about food shortages and tribal disputes. I have my own theory that these people were discontent with their customs and, quite frankly, considered everybody else a bunch of weirdos. That would explain why they left and dubbed themselves Maori, meaning normal, upon colonization. Researchers insist that the name implies acknowledgment and humble disassociation from the divine, but I like my explanation better.

One of the most interesting and atypical things about the Maori is their cultural influence in New Zealand. Since America has either eradicated or marginalized its natives, this influence, to me, is incredibly pronounced. In 1840, New Zealand was composed of 100,000 Maori and 2,000 Europeans. In 1896, those numbers had changed just slightly: 42,113 Maori to over 700,000 Europeans. Sociologists assumed a distinct culture was untenable due to integration with the West, but the Maori countered by assimilating some Western elements while differentiating and exposing their own. The result has been several prominent Maori politicians and the addition of Maori to New Zealand's list of official languages (joining English and sign language) in 1987. Government offices, schools, and most business list names in both languages. Apparently there were petitions to add sign language as well, but no one showed up at the hearings. Several star players on the national rugby team are Maori, and the team performs an iconic war dance, the Haka, before every match. You can see from the Youtube video that "Haka," roughly translated, means "Woman, where's my dinner?" As a minority subgroup, they're still socioeconomically depressed, but I can't help but feel like mainstream cultural prominence is a strong road to equality.

between kiwis and kangaroos...part 1

I'd long considered New Zealand to be the Tonto to Australia's Lone Ranger: always nearby and in some ways more exotic, but largely irrelevant and likely conceived to keep the solitary star company. Apparently I'm not the only foreigner harboring this perspective. School orientation for international students included an entire subsection designed to illustrate the many (subtle, very subtle) differences between these two entirely independent, completely non-overlapping, individual, autonomous landmasses. In an effort to dispel some vicious cultural stereotypes, I've decided to create a field guide that expands upon this concept. The guide begins with a video providing a brief overview of the topic at hand, before narrowing down and focusing on specific areas of frequent cultural confusion.

Geography and Colonization

The average distance between New Zealand and Australia is roughly 1400 miles (slightly greater than the distance between New York, NY and Miami, FL), clearly large enough to warrant disassociation. The two countries were even discovered by completely different people. Willem Janszoon first stumbled upon Australia in 1606 and, mistaking it for a continuation of New Guinea, returned to the Netherlands and called his discovery (of Australia, mind you) Nieu Zeeland after the Dutch province of Zeeland. The name didn't stick, but his voyage was enough to inspire countryman Abel Tasman's return to Australia in 1642. Tasman mapped much of Australia's coast and discovered modern day Tasmania in addition to a separate pair of islands he inventively named Nieu Zeeland. This time, it stuck. Colonization too happened for completely different reasons. The first Australian colony was founded by Britain in the 1780s as a dumping ground for political prisoners and repeat offenders. The first New Zealand colony was founded by Britain in the 1830s to address reports of lawlessness and overzealous adventuring, probably by the same idiots initially banished to Australia.

Fauna

Australia

When dealing with an animal indigenous to Australia, bear this important tenet in mind: it can probably kill you. Even if you're Steve Irwin.

Kangaroos
I debated whether or not to even mention the kangaroo due to its widespread notoriety, typically in situations where a token reference to Australia is due. Still, there are some interesting elements of these marsupials worth repeating.

Size: The Red Kangaroo, largest of the four primary species, stands roughly 6' 7" tall (2m) and weighs up to 200 lbs (90 kg).

Habitat: Various species reside throughout the entire Australian continent, but there are no wild kangaroos in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have kangaroos; they don't.

Predators: Most prehistoric predators of the kangaroo became extinct, allowing the species to briefly flourish before the arrival of man and man's best friend, the Dingo.

Locomotion: Kangaroos are the largest animals to utilize hopping, but evolutionary adaptations have made it an incredibly efficient form of propulsion. Spring-like tendons, as opposed to muscles, in the hind feet launch the animal forward at top speeds of up to 45 mph (70 kph).

Mating: Female kangaroos, like most women prior to industrialization, remain pregnant throughout their entire fertile lifespan, taking a break only on the day they give birth. Since the gestation period is shorter than the developmental period (where the "joey" is in the pouch), females can support 2 joeys at once by producing separate milk for each and even regulate the gestational period by a biological mechanism called embryonic diapause.

How It Can Kill You: Kangaroos have a right hook that would make Mohammad Ali blush and a roundhouse kick with the added effect of disembowelment (via claw-like toenails). Chuck Norris can't even do that. If all else fails, they're strong swimmers capable of dragging pursuing prey into deep waters and, using its arms, drowning it.

Fun Fact: the aboriginal Kurnai fashioned stuffed kangaroo scrotum into balls used for their tribal game, marngrook.





Koalas
Another marsupial, the Koala is actually not a bear at all. Its appearance and severely stunted brain make it the animal equivalent of that cute girl that's just too much of an airhead to date. The giant koala (now extinct) predated its contemporary by about 50,000 years and apparently had much more going on upstairs. Scientists link modern koalas' cognitive retrogression to a change in diet from now-extinct rainforest flora to nutrient-poor eucalyptus leaves.

Size: Koalas range by species and gender between 11 and 31 lbs (5-14 kg). The brain comprises just .2% of total body weight. Homo sapiens have roughly 10 times that ratio, and I've still encountered some really, really unintelligent people. The koala's cranial cavity is almost entirely fluid, with 2 nut-sized brain hemispheres (that aren't even wired to interact with each other) perched atop the stem. Such a relatively minute control center makes the koala, along with the ostrich, one of the planet's "simplest" land animals.

Habitat: Southeastern Australia, in moisture-rich woodlands. There are no wild koalas in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have koalas; they don't.
Predators: Adult koalas have few natural predators. Man has proven to be their biggest threat, and koalas were nearly hunted to extinction in the 1900s for their fur. Koalas also face microbial predators in the form of chlamydia (yes, chlamydia) and other diseases.
Locomotion: Though usually arboreal and mindlessly munching eucalyptus, they're rather slow quadrupeds when moseying from tree to tree.

Mating: Koalas are actually twice as likely to get chlamydia than humans. This is because, unlike most women prior to industrialization, there are two plugs and two outlets involved. Forked man-bits lead to twin uteri in the female, doubling the likelihood of conception and contraction.

How It Can Kill You: Koalas have large, razor-sharp claws and opposable thumbs for gripping tree branches. They can actually cause significant deforestation by scraping off all the bark as they climb. They're passive and entirely benign, but trouble is, with an IQ of 4, human limbs looks just as good as a branch.

Fun Fact: Should you ever find yourself accused of a crime based on fingerprint evidence, it may behoove you to insist that the culprit was a koala. Their fingerprints are so close to humans' that the two are often indiscernible.

New Zealand

New Zealand's animals, in contrast to their Aussie neighbors, are entirely benign. Most appear, instead, to be purposeless accidents conceived and tested in God's workshop for amusement purposes only. This probably explains why they're confined to the world's most isolated locale.

Kiwis
If Australians are Aussies, New Zealanders are Kiwis. While it may be a country of full of fruits, the actual Kiwi namesake is derived from a flightless bird endemic to the country. Prior to the introduction of invasive species, New Zealand's only mammals were 3 types of bat. Other organisms grew to occupy the void in this ecological niche. Enter the kiwi, an even more awkward relative of the emu with feathers more useful for fur than flight. I have no clue why a nation would choose to identify with this languid blob of fureathers. America's bald eagle is a stately predator with so much confidence it skips the toupee. It's the regal eagle. In New Zealand's bird, we have something so evolutionarily inept, it can't even figure out what it wants to be covered with.

Size: The largest of the 5 species grows to about 18 inches (45 cm) in height and weighs between 5 and 7 lbs (2.3-3.2 kg).

Habitat: Kiwis are primarily nocturnal and reside in the coniferous and beech forests that litter both the north and south island. They once inhabited the entire country, but deforestation has driven them into endangerment.

Predators: Kiwis' rather bizarre developments can be attributed to the lack of natural predators prior to the advent of man. In 1989, a single loose dog killed nearly half of the 1000 birds inhabiting a nearby forest.

Locomotion: They run, often covering the extent of their territory (several football fields in size) in a single night. They also dig, since that makes perfect sense, constructing burrows and even labyrinthine underground tunnel networks beneath the forest floor.

Mating: Like penguins, kiwis mate monogamously for life, often 20-30 years. The female is physically and behaviorally dominant, often with a little domestic violence thrown in. Between June and March, the couple shares the same burrow every third night, but sing distinctive duets while foraging nightly. The egg, relative to body size, is the largest of any animal. A 5 lb female may lay a 1 lb egg. Ostrich eggs, by comparison, are roughly 2% of body weight. To provide sufficient nutrients, the female must consume three times as much food as normal, but the size of the egg makes this difficult as the stomach eventually becomes crushed, forcing fasting.

How It Can Kill You: It can't. But they are fiercely territorial, and peck-and-run attacks have been reported by unsuspecting (and undoubtedly bewildered) humans.

Fun Fact: Unlike most birds, kiwis have a keen sense of smell. Their nostrils, of course, are located at the tip of their unusually long beak. Embedding was disabled, but click here to see a pretty cool youtube video on kiwi preservation.

Coming up in part 2: heritage, culture, and industry

no news is good news

Two things...first, I promise to have a proper entry up in the next couple of days. Keep an eye out for that. Second, I felt compelled to comment on what I just saw on cnn.com. Here's a screenshot:
I was on the international site, to be fair, but I think I can still summarize these 14 articles succinctly: Some people died all over the world, more are in position to die, others narrowly avoided death, and a South African with a spell-check defying last name won the British Open.

By all accounts, keeping up with current events is a great way to stay informed and develop global perspective. But who honestly wants to read this? Some kids surviving a flood is a feel-good story, and seeing Tiger Woods fail does illicit a small nod to karmatic justice, but the overwhelming morbidity is just sickening. There are 7 billion lives and an infinite number of inhuman happenings to pull stories from at any given time. Is this the best that one of the world's largest news agencies can do?

As an addendum, I researched CNN a bit and discovered that they're in the midst of a ratings slump and actually losing their best, longest-standing anchors to competing agencies (see http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62I02R20100319). If they're looking for a way to turn it around, I think I may have a few suggestions.

May the 4th be with you.

at the intersection of memory ln and nostalgia blvd

I turned 23 years old last week. It's unfathomable (and a little frightening) that time goes by so quickly and peculiar that its passage seems only to be accelerating. Life events (like birthdays) typically warrant a bit of introspection, and I can't help but feel that each happening over my 8,039 days of existence served as a hammer strike to the chisel that sculpts me. Because of this, I thought it might be nice to revive, remember, and reflect upon some of the more formative fads and items that helped define my current self. For those privy to or products of American culture, what follows will likely be a leisurely stroll down memory lane. Others can simply wonder at the strange, strange crap my countryman have produced or enjoyed.

Food and Drink

Crystal Pepsi
(1992-1993)
Riding its quirky slogan, "You've never seen taste like this," crystal Pepsi followed a larger trend equating clarity and quality. It tasted nearly identical to original Pepsi, and my 5-year old self was baffled that something clear could taste like something that clearly wasn't. People were intrigued by the nuance, but interest quickly faded and the product was pulled. It was actually conceived and marketed by Yum! Brands Inc, the same company responsible for one of my favorite things in life, Taco Bell.



Pop Qwiz
(early 1990s)
Popcorn, as a food, is somewhat intriguing. It changes states of matter from dense kernels to fluffy, buttery goodness when subjected to the proper amount of heat. But what if it were different colors? Even better, what if you could never predict precisely what color your bag would produce? Pop Secret explicitly marketed this to children, and it blew my young mind. Just watch the commercial. You had me Pop Secret, you had me.



Dunk-a-roos
(1988-present)
What a marvelous concept. You take a kangaroo-shaped cookie (available in a multitude of flavors) and dunk it in an accompanying frosting partition (also available in a multitude of flavors). The cinnamon flavored cookies with the chocolate or vanilla frosting were undoubtedly the best and, thanks to the popularity of their Australian-accented Kangaroo mascot, you simply weren't the coolest kid in elementary school unless your lunch included a pack.



Orbitz
(1997)
This non-carbonated fruity beverage was aptly named after the edible orb bits that floated magically inside its oddly-shaped bottle. It was a cousin to another of my childhood favorites, Clearly Canadian, and was quickly discontinued due to soft sales. The unopened bottles have become a cult collector's item, and I think my family still has a few stashed somewhere in the attic.



Games and Toys

Magic: The Gathering
(1993-present)
Created by mathematician Richard Garfield, MTG was (and probably still is) a card game played in lunchrooms and mothers' basements around the world. It pits two players, posing as powerful wizards called "planeswalkers" against each other using mystical spells and creatures. All of these are depicted, of course, on collectible cards purchasable at your local hobby store. Common, uncommon, and rare cards were allocated 11/3/1 in each 15 card pack, ensuring that the more you bought, the more formidable your competitive arsenal. Ironically, the more dedicated you were to this game, the less likely it was that you had any friends to play with.



Pokemon
(ca. 1996)
Pokemon was such a defining element in many peoples' upbringing that they can remember where they were when they first met Professor Oak and embarked on a that infamous journey through the land of Kanto. It was a Japanese concept that made it to the states in the form of 2 partner games, Pokemon Red and Blue, for the original black-and-white Gameboy. In the years following its release, I honestly believe I spent more time playing this game than not playing it. The slogan was "Gotta Catch 'em All!" and I did. Oh, I did.



Pogs
(mid-1990s)
Pogs were originally milk bottle caps. The game originated in Hawaii in the 1920s and 1930s, with caps from a juice brand called POG being the most widely used. The Canada Games Company reintroduced Pogs and the concept exploded, eventually being banned in schools across North America due to rampant popularity. In its merchandised form, Pogs were circular bits of cardboard with images (of anything, really) imprinted on one side. Players threw heavier metal "slammers" down onto tall stacks of pogs to disrupt them, and the player causing the most carnage claimed victory. Yes, I had thousands of these.



Skip-It
(Late 1980s-early 1990s)
Skip-It achieved widespread notoriety due to its extensive marketing on Nickelodeon (more on that later, trust me). The commercial serves as ample product description, and I made certain that my counter was stuck at 999.



Nintendo 64
(September 1996)
Though slightly predated by Sony's Playstation, Nintendo 64 effectively redesigned the video game market. Its 64-bit graphics processor allowed for 3D rendering, and the days of 2D side-scrolling and aerial view were left in the dust. Though Mario 64 (included with console purchase) was amazing, the N64 spawed several other absolute gems. Goldeneye, for example, absolutely annihilated every competitor in its genre and absorbed hundreds of hours of my life. Though slightly less universally popular, Banjo-Kazooie was also a favorite of my 12-year old self. As Banjo, a guffawing, dimwitted bear, you stormed the palace of evil witch Gruntilda and reclaimed your kidnapped sister. With a great storyline, tons of hidden Easter eggs, and the glorious tongue-in-cheek humor of developer Rare, it was one of the many reasons N64 is arguably the most successful console ever made.

Books

Roald Dahl
(1993-present)
My teacher for 1st-3rd grade was a British import by the name of Ms. Wood, and she had a profound effect on my upbringing. It was she who suggested I read Mr. Dahl's material and I was absolutely fascinated. There was the imaginative genius of the stories, sure, but also a heavy infusion of British culture that amplified the distance and magic of the worlds he described. I mean, Charlie Bucket found the golden ticket in a candy bar he bought with shillings and farthings. What in the world are those? Even if you've never heard of Dahl, you've probably heard of his work. He's responsible for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and Fantastic Mr. Fox, all of which have been made into movies (Willy Wonka twice actually). In 4th grade I had to write my first "paper." It was a 2-page biography on someone we found interesting, and I chose him. It may very well be Roald Dahl (and Ms. Wood) I have to thank for my interest in multiculturalism. By the way, this Youtube video contains an excellent overview of Dahl's work and includes many interesting facts I didn't know. If you watch one of these clips, watch this one.



Goosebumps
(1992-1997)
This series of novellas made author R.L. Stine a very, very wealthy man. The books infiltrated and dominated the relatively unexploited children's horror genre. The original run of 68 titles included "Monster Blood," "Say Cheese and Die!," "Attack of the Mutant," and the petrifying "It Came from Under the Sink." The series spawned innumerable spin-offs and spoofs including comic books, a moderately successful TV series, 2 video games, and a movie in the works. In its heyday, I was an unrepentant Goosebumps fanboy. For 3rd grade class pictures, we were encouraged to bring in and sport an item indicative of a hobby or passion, and I proudly brought a Goosebumps book to complement my matching Goosebumps hat and t-shirt. Eventually, my reading level surpassed surpassed Stine's style and my interest tapered off.


Music

Del Amitri
(1995)
I've heard one song by this band, "Roll to Me," and it's enough to warrant inclusion in my nostalgic vault. Why? The single was the first cassette I ever purchased. It's just over 2 minutes long and largely unremarkable, but it's the first recollection I have of actually liking a particular song.



Hootie and the Blowfish
(1994)
Hootie rode strong pop hooks and the resultant success of their debut album, "Cracked Rear View," to superstardom. The album has gone 16x platinum and was the top-seller overall in 1995. I absolutely loved Hootie and, luckily, my parents did too. This was before the internet age, and I recall waking at an ungodly hour and waiting in line at the local music store to get concert tickets the day they were released. I was 8 years old, and it was my first show. I remember holding my mother's hand as Darius Rucker sang the eponymous song and thinking that at that particular moment, life was perfect.



Spice Girls
(1996)
Don't you dare judge me. If you grew up in a developed country in the 1990s, the Spice Girls' Brit-glitz, girl power attitude, and made-for-radio jingle-pop infested your life too. From car stereos to MTV to Walkman cassette players around the world, the Spice Girls were going to tell you what they want, what they really really want, whether you wanted to hear it or not. I even saw Spice World too. Once. I still don't know what happened to the bomb on the Spice Bus...

Boy Bands
(All up in the 1990s)
Confession: I attempted to learn the choreography for the ballroom dancing scene in the Backstreet Boys' Everybody video. It was just that cool. First came New Kids on the Block. Then UK-natives Take That arrived on the scene. But it will always be the Backstreet Boys that, to me, opened the floodgates and drowned the world in boy band. N*Sync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, N2ge+her, Dream Street, etc. achieved varying degrees of notoriety before reverting to obscurity as the mania subsided. Probably the best thing about these groups was the utter predictability of the lineup. Every member had to fulfill a stereotypical niche. There was the cute one. The shy one (extra points if he was openly religious). The bad boy. The heartthrob . And, of course, the one people always forgot was actually in the band. The music was eventually satirized and hated upon (anything horribly overexposed ultimately is...see: Macarena) but boy band music remains my karaoke genre of choice, and I'd much rather listen to their brand of bubblegum pop than the vocalized T-Pain inspired fodder tainting the airwaves today.



The Macarena
(1995-1996)
Not much need be said about the Macarena. As the popularity of the song and dance grew to biblical proportion, there was a brief time when Los del Rio were more revered for their product than the Virgin Mary. Oddly, the song's relation to religion extends past that poorly conceived metaphor. Macarena, the name of the song's subject, was adapted from Magdalena, a term that described women of questionable repute. The song's original Spanish lyrics outline the promiscuity of its title character. I knew all the words, but I remember my 4th grade Spanish teacher blushing and changing the subject when I asked for a translation.

Film/Television

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
(1994)
I wanted to be Jim Carrey. I've seen this movie probably 30 times. I adopted his mannerisms and outlandish extroversion. I had a brief stint in film/television acting in my early teens, and Jim Carrey was probably the primary motivating force behind my ambition. As a 7 year old, I couldn't necessarily follow the film's plot line, but Carrey's performance served as entertainment enough. My tastes have matured and evolved, but he still features prominently in my absolute favorite move of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, albeit in a much different manner.



Nickelodeon
(1990-2000ish)
Here it is, the grand finale, the coup the grace, the most essential, formative, definitive element of my upbringing. I pity those who never experienced it in its prime. Nickelodeon's green slime-coated tentacles cradled and nourished the hearts and minds of American youth. It was generation Nick. The shows were incredible: daytime dramas "Hey Dude!" and "Salute your Shorts," gameshows like "Double Dare" and "Legends of the Hidden Temple," the infamous Nicktoons including "Ren and Stimpy," "Doug," and "Rocko's Modern Life," and its incredibly popular Snick lineup on Saturday nights. At the height of its popularity, the channel was merely the cerebral cortex driving a much larger cultural phenomenon. Themes quickly outgrew television sets, with the network's patented green slime, whipped cream pies and gaudy set design finding other merchandising outlets. I owned a Nick telephone and alarm clock, I subscribed (briefly) to the magazine, and, in perhaps the biggest testament to the brand's influence, one of my birthday cakes was even coated in slime frosting.





So there it is, an overview of the products, fads and memes that I still hold near and dear. Unfortunately, as I've come to learn, time always wins. Take Nickelodeon Studios, for example. What was once every child's Mecca is now a concrete rehearsal and production studio for the consistently-mediocre Blue Man Group. In fact, I'm skeptical that such universal cultural trends will continue forth in the future. The information age has largely diluted popular interest. Take a current worldwide sensation, Lady Gaga, for example. If you don't want to hear Gaga, you can discover and download indie music online. iPods have replaced car radios. The choice of accepting or spurning mainstream media has never before been so realizable by younger generations. It's an interesting sociological concept.

In summary, I hope you glean even a small fraction of the happiness from reading this that I did from writing it. Researching and revisiting these subjects was immensely gratifying. Though my current age reflects an independent period of life, I think it's important to maintain the things that made childhood unforgettable because, sometime in the future, they may once again become relevant.