Geography and Colonization
The average distance between New Zealand and Australia is roughly 1400 miles (slightly greater than the distance between New York, NY and Miami, FL), clearly large enough to warrant disassociation. The two countries were even discovered by completely different people. Willem Janszoon first stumbled upon Australia in 1606 and, mistaking it for a continuation of New Guinea, returned to the Netherlands and called his discovery (of Australia, mind you) Nieu Zeeland after the Dutch province of Zeeland. The name didn't stick, but his voyage was enough to inspire countryman Abel Tasman's return to Australia in 1642. Tasman mapped much of Australia's coast and discovered modern day Tasmania in addition to a separate pair of islands he inventively named Nieu Zeeland. This time, it stuck. Colonization too happened for completely different reasons. The first Australian colony was founded by Britain in the 1780s as a dumping ground for political prisoners and repeat offenders. The first New Zealand colony was founded by Britain in the 1830s to address reports of lawlessness and overzealous adventuring, probably by the same idiots initially banished to Australia.
Fauna
Australia
Australia
When dealing with an animal indigenous to Australia, bear this important tenet in mind: it can probably kill you. Even if you're Steve Irwin.
Kangaroos
I debated whether or not to even mention the kangaroo due to its widespread notoriety, typically in situations where a token reference to Australia is due. Still, there are some interesting elements of these marsupials worth repeating.
Size: The Red Kangaroo, largest of the four primary species, stands roughly 6' 7" tall (2m) and weighs up to 200 lbs (90 kg).
Habitat: Various species reside throughout the entire Australian continent, but there are no wild kangaroos in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have kangaroos; they don't.
Predators: Most prehistoric predators of the kangaroo became extinct, allowing the species to briefly flourish before the arrival of man and man's best friend, the Dingo.
Locomotion: Kangaroos are the largest animals to utilize hopping, but evolutionary adaptations have made it an incredibly efficient form of propulsion. Spring-like tendons, as opposed to muscles, in the hind feet launch the animal forward at top speeds of up to 45 mph (70 kph).
Mating: Female kangaroos, like most women prior to industrialization, remain pregnant throughout their entire fertile lifespan, taking a break only on the day they give birth. Since the gestation period is shorter than the developmental period (where the "joey" is in the pouch), females can support 2 joeys at once by producing separate milk for each and even regulate the gestational period by a biological mechanism called embryonic diapause.
How It Can Kill You: Kangaroos have a right hook that would make Mohammad Ali blush and a roundhouse kick with the added effect of disembowelment (via claw-like toenails). Chuck Norris can't even do that. If all else fails, they're strong swimmers capable of dragging pursuing prey into deep waters and, using its arms, drowning it.
Fun Fact: the aboriginal Kurnai fashioned stuffed kangaroo scrotum into balls used for their tribal game, marngrook.
Koalas
Another marsupial, the Koala is actually not a bear at all. Its appearance and severely stunted brain make it the animal equivalent of that cute girl that's just too much of an airhead to date. The giant koala (now extinct) predated its contemporary by about 50,000 years and apparently had much more going on upstairs. Scientists link modern koalas' cognitive retrogression to a change in diet from now-extinct rainforest flora to nutrient-poor eucalyptus leaves.
Size: Koalas range by species and gender between 11 and 31 lbs (5-14 kg). The brain comprises just .2% of total body weight. Homo sapiens have roughly 10 times that ratio, and I've still encountered some really, really unintelligent people. The koala's cranial cavity is almost entirely fluid, with 2 nut-sized brain hemispheres (that aren't even wired to interact with each other) perched atop the stem. Such a relatively minute control center makes the koala, along with the ostrich, one of the planet's "simplest" land animals.
Habitat: Southeastern Australia, in moisture-rich woodlands. There are no wild koalas in New Zealand. None. Don't ask a New Zealander if they have koalas; they don't.
Predators: Adult koalas have few natural predators. Man has proven to be their biggest threat, and koalas were nearly hunted to extinction in the 1900s for their fur. Koalas also face microbial predators in the form of chlamydia (yes, chlamydia) and other diseases.
Locomotion: Though usually arboreal and mindlessly munching eucalyptus, they're rather slow quadrupeds when moseying from tree to tree.
Mating: Koalas are actually twice as likely to get chlamydia than humans. This is because, unlike most women prior to industrialization, there are two plugs and two outlets involved. Forked man-bits lead to twin uteri in the female, doubling the likelihood of conception and contraction.
How It Can Kill You: Koalas have large, razor-sharp claws and opposable thumbs for gripping tree branches. They can actually cause significant deforestation by scraping off all the bark as they climb. They're passive and entirely benign, but trouble is, with an IQ of 4, human limbs looks just as good as a branch.
Fun Fact: Should you ever find yourself accused of a crime based on fingerprint evidence, it may behoove you to insist that the culprit was a koala. Their fingerprints are so close to humans' that the two are often indiscernible.
New Zealand
New Zealand's animals, in contrast to their Aussie neighbors, are entirely benign. Most appear, instead, to be purposeless accidents conceived and tested in God's workshop for amusement purposes only. This probably explains why they're confined to the world's most isolated locale.
Kiwis
If Australians are Aussies, New Zealanders are Kiwis. While it may be a country of full of fruits, the actual Kiwi namesake is derived from a flightless bird endemic to the country. Prior to the introduction of invasive species, New Zealand's only mammals were 3 types of bat. Other organisms grew to occupy the void in this ecological niche. Enter the kiwi, an even more awkward relative of the emu with feathers more useful for fur than flight. I have no clue why a nation would choose to identify with this languid blob of fureathers. America's bald eagle is a stately predator with so much confidence it skips the toupee. It's the regal eagle. In New Zealand's bird, we have something so evolutionarily inept, it can't even figure out what it wants to be covered with.
Size: The largest of the 5 species grows to about 18 inches (45 cm) in height and weighs between 5 and 7 lbs (2.3-3.2 kg).
Habitat: Kiwis are primarily nocturnal and reside in the coniferous and beech forests that litter both the north and south island. They once inhabited the entire country, but deforestation has driven them into endangerment.
Predators: Kiwis' rather bizarre developments can be attributed to the lack of natural predators prior to the advent of man. In 1989, a single loose dog killed nearly half of the 1000 birds inhabiting a nearby forest.
Locomotion: They run, often covering the extent of their territory (several football fields in size) in a single night. They also dig, since that makes perfect sense, constructing burrows and even labyrinthine underground tunnel networks beneath the forest floor.
Mating: Like penguins, kiwis mate monogamously for life, often 20-30 years. The female is physically and behaviorally dominant, often with a little domestic violence thrown in. Between June and March, the couple shares the same burrow every third night, but sing distinctive duets while foraging nightly. The egg, relative to body size, is the largest of any animal. A 5 lb female may lay a 1 lb egg. Ostrich eggs, by comparison, are roughly 2% of body weight. To provide sufficient nutrients, the female must consume three times as much food as normal, but the size of the egg makes this difficult as the stomach eventually becomes crushed, forcing fasting.
How It Can Kill You: It can't. But they are fiercely territorial, and peck-and-run attacks have been reported by unsuspecting (and undoubtedly bewildered) humans.
Fun Fact: Unlike most birds, kiwis have a keen sense of smell. Their nostrils, of course, are located at the tip of their unusually long beak. Embedding was disabled, but click here to see a pretty cool youtube video on kiwi preservation.
Coming up in part 2: heritage, culture, and industry
